>A Personal Discovery: Unleashing Another Piece of Me


Last night I asked my husband, Chuck, if I could take my energy back.

Half asleep, he said, “uh-ha.”

The other night while I pondered, yet again- the question- what am I going to do with my life- a strong, yet subtle recognition and impulse came to the surface-it was to draw.

Yesterday, at the Gemini birthday party I hold every year for my two daughters and husband, my father, who was there, said, as a young girl I loved to draw, and I was very good with design and color.  

I remember those days.  I would sit in my room for hours and draw, while listening to classical music.  The only time I remember being told I was good at something, was in college from my art teacher. The only classes I liked, and passed in high school, were photography and art.  I was always good at putting colors together in my bedrooms, and with my clothing.

Last night, right before I asked my husband if I could take my energy back, I realized I gave up drawing as boys became more important.  I saw so clearly how my life shifted when I gave up my expressions to pursue boys. I put all of my energy and focus there, which makes sense why I am so grateful my daughter doesn’t have a boyfriend yet. I often tell her how good it is she is the last teenager standing without a boy, so she can stay focused on her talent and dream as an actress. 

As I focused my energy on boys, any urgings I had from my talents and for my dreams were quickly ensnared in mental grooves which deepened with each obsessive thought; How can I please him, and keep him, and make him mine. Does he love me, and if he does, will he leave me. And if he doesn’t leave, how can I (unconsciously) push him away?

It’s been the story of my life- this grooved detour, one I’ve feared, despised, and resisted.  Yet this detour was destined, and predicted.  When I was a young girl, a therapist told my parents, I would look to relationships as a way to make me feel good about myself.  This detour, although rough, has been absolutely necessary to unravel, and free the “child-like” demons of my past. Moving forward, a new thought might be, to rephrase the therapist from long ago: Nikki will look to relationships to learn about herself, and she will endure, and learn much.

So, there it was: the subtle stirring to draw was tangled in the co-dependency of my youth, and young woman-hood.  As I requested my energy back from my husband, I declared to myself and the universe I am ready to integrate the lost pieces of me and reassemble them to create my own unique expression in this world.

As I collect the pieces, I ask how will I use the talents, urgings and gifts I have to create a new world where I maintain and expand my family life, and relationship while also GENEROUSLY feeding my next life’s mission?

The answer: I don’t have to do anything with this new discovery. The doorways will open to lead me to my Destiny- again.  This time the groove will be wider, less constricting, and more joyful. 

I don’t know how all the pieces will come together, but I know they will, and it is a relief.  I no longer need to purse my talents.  They are here, and integrating now. I also no longer have to leave these talents behind while I exist within my family. And the most beautiful, I no longer need to pursue my fears and insecurities within a relationship. It’s been exhausted.  (right, Chuck?)  I can let them all go NOW, and live.


The Soul Reporter:  Reporting to You Live from the Depths of My Soul

3 thoughts on “>A Personal Discovery: Unleashing Another Piece of Me

  1. >Considering accidents only happen in our mind I say yes let your fears go what we resist the most we need the most. That in most times it is expressed in loss, pain, lack or joy and rain. All you can really do is accept the now it because it is the only thing that stays new. OBMO

  2. >It is a life time project…moving from "others" to "self". I was so certain in my forties I had it finally figured. I was great about me, taking care of me, and liking me. Faith, promise and all that good stuff. But here I am at 51 thinking what the hell happened. If I listed what is going on in my world right now, well person with a small, very tiny amount of knowledge of codependency would say "you are no longer in Recovery Dorothy" in fact I have created the monkeys,the witch and the wizard is no where to be found. I applaud your courage and your moving forward. Bravo. Gives me hope!

  3. >Hi DebA. You are right it is a lifetime project, a project where we get little pieces here and there and like a puzzle put it all together as we move through our experiences, and pay attention. I imagine since you find yourself somewhere you thought you would never be again- there is a deep and rich opportunity for you. I used to want to believe I could be done with self-discovery. I know this is not true for as long as we are on earth. We are expansive beings, so how could this be so. Thanks for reading, and remember there is no place like home- and home is deep inside of you.Namaste.

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