Last night I asked my husband, Chuck, if I could take my energy back.
Half asleep, he said, “uh-ha.”
The other night while I pondered, yet again- the question- what am I going to do with my life- a strong, yet subtle recognition and impulse came to the surface-it was to draw.
Yesterday, at the Gemini birthday party I hold every year for my two daughters and husband, my father, who was there, said, as a young girl I loved to draw, and I was very good with design and color.
I remember those days. I would sit in my room for hours and draw, while listening to classical music. The only time I remember being told I was good at something, was in college from my art teacher. The only classes I liked, and passed in high school, were photography and art. I was always good at putting colors together in my bedrooms, and with my clothing.
Last night, right before I asked my husband if I could take my energy back, I realized I gave up drawing as boys became more important. I saw so clearly how my life shifted when I gave up my expressions to pursue boys. I put all of my energy and focus there, which makes sense why I am so grateful my daughter doesn’t have a boyfriend yet. I often tell her how good it is she is the last teenager standing without a boy, so she can stay focused on her talent and dream as an actress.
As I focused my energy on boys, any urgings I had from my talents and for my dreams were quickly ensnared in mental grooves which deepened with each obsessive thought; How can I please him, and keep him, and make him mine. Does he love me, and if he does, will he leave me. And if he doesn’t leave, how can I (unconsciously) push him away?
It’s been the story of my life- this grooved detour, one I’ve feared, despised, and resisted. Yet this detour was destined, and predicted. When I was a young girl, a therapist told my parents, I would look to relationships as a way to make me feel good about myself. This detour, although rough, has been absolutely necessary to unravel, and free the “child-like” demons of my past. Moving forward, a new thought might be, to rephrase the therapist from long ago: Nikki will look to relationships to learn about herself, and she will endure, and learn much.
So, there it was: the subtle stirring to draw was tangled in the co-dependency of my youth, and young woman-hood. As I requested my energy back from my husband, I declared to myself and the universe I am ready to integrate the lost pieces of me and reassemble them to create my own unique expression in this world.
As I collect the pieces, I ask how will I use the talents, urgings and gifts I have to create a new world where I maintain and expand my family life, and relationship while also GENEROUSLY feeding my next life’s mission?
The answer: I don’t have to do anything with this new discovery. The doorways will open to lead me to my Destiny- again. This time the groove will be wider, less constricting, and more joyful.
I don’t know how all the pieces will come together, but I know they will, and it is a relief. I no longer need to purse my talents. They are here, and integrating now. I also no longer have to leave these talents behind while I exist within my family. And the most beautiful, I no longer need to pursue my fears and insecurities within a relationship. It’s been exhausted. (right, Chuck?) I can let them all go NOW, and live.
The Soul Reporter: Reporting to You Live from the Depths of My Soul