Tag Archives: Self Reflection

Ambiguous Loss

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Journal Entry: a month ago

Broke open the book, Ambiguous Loss. As with most books, it becomes the answer, the next best thing for me- and my clients if it’s therapy related. This book, so far, does not disappoint. I can name ambiguous loss as a major reason for my current mental health issues. These ambiguous losses include: daughter, my parents, husband, COVID and the world at present.

If you aren’t familiar- ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss “in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.” (Ref. Pauline Boss, FAQ/Ambiguous Loss)

I planned to read all day. Daughter FaceTime’d me. Then other daughter joined. Soon meeting daughter. I am so often swept away with little to no time for quiet contemplation. Where my Soul rises and my Mind expands. I need this time and yet….another ambiguous loss.

I will leave the journals, notebooks and literature strewn upon the corner of the couch. Until we meet again…~

Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Rhythm

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There is a rhythm to every place. 
The rhythm here, in Puerto Peñasco, is seagulls and brown pelicans. 
It is ocean line receding and then swelling.  
It is white shells and expansive skies. 

Our schedule is wake up, stretch in the sun on the veranda. 
I make a smoothie, a cup of coffee. 
My breakfasts have either been fresh toasted bread with avocado or hazelnut spread with mango. 
I choose if I walk in the morning, afternoon or at sunset. 
Then it is pool time, we choose from the icy pool or the lukewarm and no matter what, the hot tub. 
Then it is time for dinner. We go to the same restaurant every evening because we don’t have a car. 
I think we’ve tried nearly every item on the menu, and I know I’ve brought back every dessert. 
I eat the dessert while we watch our shows. 
Then to bed with the sound of ocean waves. 

I of course, read. 
This is the first time I’ve written. 
I sometimes wonder am I relaxing, destressing, soaking all this in? 
Does it matter? I am here. 
It seemed impossible I could be, considering the care I’d been giving my dad and the status of my relationship. 
But I was determined and here we are. 
Experiencing a “slice of heaven” where there are no agendas, goals or achievements just another space with its own rhythm.

~Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Complacency

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I resume complacency 
It’s a dagger to my spirit 
Friendly it is not 
But it feels good. 

I muster strength to break it 
Or I’m swept forward by simple gestures: try this…go here…do that…
And then press pause and
resume complacency.

~Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Yesterday

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It is November's final day
Then comes December. 

I find myself quiet and contemplative
Tears want to fall, but can't— 
Lexapro numbing— 
It is both a loss and a relief. 

I like being at the corner of the couch
Gazing at the tree 
Snow has fallen
It is windy and cold. 

A question comes to me: 
What do I need to get out?!?!

There is a lot of internal and external weight
Enough to cause my feet to ache
So I plan to make a list of what to get out
And follow it little bit by little bit 
Until my feet feel light. 


~Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Compass

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I found a magical trail. If I lived nearby I’d walk it everyday.

It’s a dirt trail off a paved trail. It follows a creek that begins as a trickle in a marsh

Then

Widens through rock, under trees and over tree trunks.

The path itself descends and descends some more until I feel I’ve found my magical place. No one there. Barely even a squirrel, although I wouldnt mind.

The kaleidoscope of color and the continuous creek made me want to see more and more.

The terrain became more eroded. There were a couple of ways to cross over to another dirt path. I tool the easiest route.

Then, as highway noise got heavier, this magical path led here….

My hikes often occur to me as metaphors, a compass to show me where I am and point to what might be helpful as I travel on.

🧭 The compass readings:

🧭 Enjoy, or at least,be present for the journey. I don’t know what lies ahead. It may not be what I hope for.

🧭 The journey I’ve taken so far has brought me to see the two sides of my current compass: a lot of what I perceive to be missteps, creating a lot of loss and trauma has caused me to deeply mistrust my self and my steps (hence taking the easiest way across). However, on the other side, if only I dare to flip it over, there is an opportunity to live more deeply in knowing and leaving more of the fear and mistrust behind me.

&

🧭 To descend is where the magic lives. To ascend from there you know more than you did before. 🍂🍁

Travel on,

Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Compass

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I found a magical trail. If I lived nearby I’d walk it everyday.

It’s a dirt trail off a paved trail. It follows a creek that begins as a trickle in a marsh

Then

Widens through rock, under trees and over tree trunks.

The path itself descends and descends some more until I feel I’ve found my magical place. No one there. Barely even a squirrel, although I wouldnt mind.

The kaleidoscope of color and the continuous creek made me want to see more and more.

The terrain became more eroded. There were a couple of ways to cross over to another dirt path. I tool the easiest route.

Then, as highway noise got heavier, this magical path led here….

My hikes often occur to me as metaphors, a compass to show me where I am and point to what might be helpful as I travel on.

🧭 The compass readings:

🧭 Enjoy, or at least,be present for the journey. I don’t know what lies ahead. It may not be what I hope for.

🧭 The journey I’ve taken so far has brought me to see the two sides of my current compass: a lot of what I perceive to be missteps, creating a lot of loss and trauma has caused me to deeply mistrust my self and my steps (hence taking the easiest way across). However, on the other side, if only I dare to flip it over, there is an opportunity to live more deeply in knowing and leaving more of the fear and mistrust behind me.

&

🧭 To descend is where the magic lives. To ascend from there you know more than you did before. 🍂🍁

Travel on,

Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Crisis

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My body knew, for weeks, something was coming. Dreams were foreboding. The Power Path reported- September: Crisis.

I assume what is happening is the crisis. I really don’t want to go into it now. But at some point I will. However, I do want to share some lessons I am learning, not necessarily new ones, but occurring in a deeper and more impactful way.

  1. Crisis points: serve many opportunities for healing and expansion.
  2. Patterns: one of those opportunities is noticing psychological patterning. This is important because some patterns at one time served a protective purpose but eventually can and will destroy in one way or another if consciousness is not brought to them.
  3. Stress: fear/anxiety based programming/thinking only creates stress. The answers/wider paths and perspectives don’t live in this superficial, chaotic space.
  4. A quote from Olivia Newton John: Optimism is a choice. I’m aware of the bad; I just don’t choose to tune into it. I am aware of the fear/worry based thinking. At 50 y/o I am very aware of what it creates. I know it is there, I am learning not to engage with it and instead move into the deeper, wider space.
  5. Acceptance: is an important salve to suffering and anxiety based thinking. It creates space for possibilities that could not be seen in tight thoughts and creates space for grieving and feeling what it is we are trying to avoid.
  6. Writing: it helps me slow down the hits of life that just keep coming, to ground, to process and to share and hopefully help.

~Nikki, The Soul Reporter

Cascade Trail

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Life....
I’m not getting my life right 

Nature.... 
She will keep destroying you until you see what you’ve done 

The Way Back Trail.... 
The Way Back Trail is more
Relaxed and refined 
There’s a calmness to it 
A way of knowing 
The steps slow 
The air breathed 
A smile 
I’m not trying to get anywhere 
I’ve been

A broken tree....
There She is again 
Within Her a touchstone
Circles of life that tell Her Story 
Unburdened now by life, 
A relic of her life 
For me to wonder about 
To receive a lesson 

Back to the Way Back Trail....
The Way Back Trail is a gift I hope all receive 
It tells you more about those layers, those circles within 
So many circles 
They accumulate 
It’s important to sit and rest along this trail 
And listen, feel, understand 
And say thank you 
And ask:
What do I need for my soul?
What does my deepest nature want?


~Nikki, The Soul Reporter