Today is the Special Occassion

What do you do when the world, at least as you knew it, is ending? How do you grieve that?

For me, a white cisgender woman, it started to end globally on November 9, 2016. I went on a bike ride the day after election night to my usual spot— an “island” on the Mississippi River. Before this day, I’d go there to reflect on my personal trials or to escape them. However, there was a new kind of angst— not only the weight of my personal life on my shoulders, but the collective life. It is not that I did not care before, this just felt different.

I wish I could find the words to express where I find myself now, 6 1/2 years later. I’d like a story or fable that would help me frame it, or to write my own if I could focus long enough and stay motivated. What I do know, what I am beginning to feel is there has been, and is, a lot of loss personally and collectively, a collective reckoning and grief process.

Our primitive brain likes to make it one thing because then that one thing can be fixed, managed or contemplated easily. But we are not in primitive times. These are complex times. We are complex and to think in this way is difficult, but necessary. These days, the loss isn’t just A, B or C, it is the whole damn alphabet and then some.

Just in my own life, I am started to comprehend the losses and how each one intermingles and connects to the others, and as they do their capability of fully sinking me is real.

The sinking has been happening. As I reflect I see I’ve sunk many times. As a teenager I wondered how could one person, still so young, cry so much. As a 50-year-old it is starting to make sense as I am sinking like that again and again.

Yesterday I could not find one think to pull me out. Then my husband asked if I wanted ice cream. In the ice cream line I found myself smiling, then I asked him if he tried the frozen peanut butter cups. Later a stranger approached us, happy and friendly as can be, and asked how we made our “love it” treat. Before this, I watched a small child look up at her older brother, saying “again” over and over to pick her up as she squealed. Once we got our dark chocolate with extra peanut butter ice cream, we sat on a bench outside and I saw the sliver of moon. I didn’t really eat my ice cream because the point was not the ice cream.

On the way home, Neil Diamond’s Hello Again came on shuffle. I cried again, a deep, hurting cry as if I was in physical pain. I said to myself: it’s my mom. She was and always will be my first experience here on Earth as me, Nikki DiVirgilio. Nothing will ever change this. And she, my first experience, has dementia and I miss her. There is a hole in me. There are several now, but she is at the center of them all.

It is weird for me to state this and experience it to be true. My relationship with her has always felt like a loss, but what it is now feels like that sliver moon, it is all that is left and what I had with her was more than I realized. She was a best friend, someone I called to vent to, someone I hung out with. Someone who created a million and one beautiful experiences and distractions for me, for us— vacations, cabin getaways, shopping, lunches, going to the “new” place and buying the “new” thing. Over time all of this became hollow for me, but now, sinking into nothingness, they were the things that kept me afloat. These were the days. That was my mom.

When I woke up the next morning, after several days of sinking, I didn’t care much about anything (balance, right?). I wondered what was the point, especially after reading a Twitter thread stating a very real possibility for the 2024 election. It’s not good. It’s bleak, and it seems the world, including my own, is over in the way I knew it. I don’t really know 1) how to navigate these times or 2) how to grieve or if I even can fully. But the sweater I bought was on my front step. I opened it, tried in on to make sure I loved it, and instead of folding it, tags on, saving it for a special occasion, I took it off, cut the tags, put it back on and decided today is the special occasion.*** 🌙🍦

Be well during this time,

~Nikki, The Soul Reporter

***snippets from a memoir I’m writing…well, several actually.

The Moon Turned to Snowflakes

The moon turned to snowflakes

The night a woman’s rights were taken. ~ a dream I had

That was the dream the night before RvW was overturned. The sun, to my left, and the moon, to my right shared the same panel of sky. I stood in a boat, on the ocean, near the shore. I was mesmerized by the moon, for the sun was just a faint, dull circle shrouded in gray haze. The moon, also shrouded but not in haze, but within a shiny half black and silver cavern. I could not take my eyes off it. And then the moon crystallized, transforming into giant, majestic snowflakes. A mist began to overtake land and sea, and the tide turned; chaos ensued and I had to get to shore. But the point was the snowflakes.

~

At the request of a therapist, I’m again, picking up the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I reread the introduction. In it she lists symptoms of a woman who has lost her Wild. I have the majority of them, but this one captured me: “…or intertia because that is the safest place for one who has lost her instincts.” I opened my journal and wrote: I have lost my fucking instincts! Last time I truly had those was in my early 20’s. I was with a child, but without a man, and not tainted, domesticated or yet fully reactive to my childhood trauma.

Not only have I lost my instincts, I’ve lost my creativity. It reminds me of season 4 of Stranger Things. Eleven has lost her “superpowers” (of course given and rediscovered to her by “man.”) Like a miner I am digging, seeking in the dark where I lost my superpowers. Was it one event or the slices and cuts of many….? I am also asking, is it too late? In Stranger Things, they keep seeking, digging and fighting and face the darkest spaces and entities just to understand, restore balance and help the people.

The reading of “Wolves” is naming the longing, the awakening of my Wild and also the resistance and push back to what oppresses it. I’m seeing how deeply I have blamed myself for the inertia that caused the weight gain, the depression, the silence, the relationships I am still in and the books I’ve still not written. I’ve been domesticated, altered and suppressed by the patriarchal culture— maybe not specifically and overtly, but generally, collectively and covertly. Inertia, then, was and often still is my safe place.

But I am awakening, beginning little by little to open my eyes, seeing the oppressor for what it is and seeing the impact it has had on me, on everything and everyone. Yesterday on my walk, I took the “short cut”, over a wooded bridge across a marshy area. I stopped and noticed the red-winged blackbirds in the reeds, the cattails bowing like patrons at a queen’s parade and the water, murky with green algae film. On the surface it looks stagnant and toxic— inert. But, who or what but Life itself knows what is present below, what organisms are a vital part to all of Life.

I have become swamped. Heavy, murky, seemingly lost my way and can barely move. Within my own inertia a self has been formed, a self safe and hidden in the murky waters, afraid to move too far from the swamp. Stay too long, naturally toxins, disease and self-defeating behaviors flourish. But open my eyes and really see where I am and start to smell the stink of unmoving water and start wiggling my fingers and toes, and becoming mesmerized, not by something more in some other place beyond myself as I did in my youth, but mesmerized by what I know is already present, and becoming the snowflake inside the moon. 🌙

~Nikki, The Soul Reporter

A throw back

My husband just airdropped this to me. Turns out in 2012 I used to write posts like this, and share them to subscribers. The reminder makes me wonder why I don’t really write anymore and that makes me sad. So since I’ve no new material, here’s something old and still relevant.

10 Reasons to Know the Soul

Hi. So I’ve been writing about the Soul- mostly my own, for about 7 years on this blog: The Soul Reporter.

Based on how slow my following has happened, I might assume The Soul is not a popular or trendy topic. But, it is what I know, and desire to know more of. And “they” say do what you love, what you know. So, here I am writing about the soul.

And here I am offering a service as well…Your own Soul Report. 

What in the heck is a Soul Report…? 

Inside of us is the soul, and I see it a storehouse of spiritual/universal/personal lessons, which help us grow and expand, and where we can meet who we are. Think of it like a map. 

Therefore, I am offering investigative, soul-searching sessions where we will work one-on-one via phone, email and/or Skype, to dig into this storehouse, and find your map.

But, why on earth is this soul-searching work important? Here are some reasons why:

  • To begin healing old wounds, and the emotions and thought structures within them.
  • To become more compassionate because once we know more about ourselves, we will understand others. We need more of this.
  • To realize more freedom- within self, life and relationships.
  • To development the spiritual attributes of courage, patience and wisdom.
  • To begin the journey from the head to the heart.
  • To receive a higher/deeper perspectives, which will allow us not to get stuck as often or as long when we face difficult and challenging experiences.
  • To be better spouses, friends, children, parents, people.
  • To live without agenda. Be one of the few who actually are not bothered by insecurities,which often distract from our growth, and hurt others.
  • To become your best friend. To hear your Voice. And know your Truth.
  • To have more moments of expanded peace & pleasantness & to feel we are conquering & surrendering to the only space worth conquering & surrendering- ourselves.

I hope these reasons make you want to take the next step. If so, fill out the form below. The first session is free, so there is nothing to lose. And here, let me tell you a secret, and maybe it’s inappropriate, but it comes from my heart and soul: this IS the work I want to do with people- and I know it’s the the best work we will ever do.

For more information, click here.  To begin the process of receiving your Soul Report, fill out the form:

To Purchase Session(s), click here for the rate of $75/hour. Too much? Let’s talk. 

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Is It Time to Live Deeper?

The only useful purpose is to turn within and realize. There is nothing else to do. ~Ramana Maharishi

Now Available: SOUL Exploration & Investigation Sessions~

There are so many voices, pulling us here and there. Some come from society’s standards; from our upbringing; current lifestyles begging for our attention. But, the deepest and truest voice comes from inside the soul.

The soul is a deep and expansive space, a space often neglected in our lives of living in many directions. If you desire more clarity, freedom and unification; if you are curious about yourself and you seek something more; if you have been traveling the path of self-knowledge for some time and feel you’ve plateaued- our sessions together will open the door wherever you are on your journey, so that you may live deeper and find more inner stability, wisdom and flexibility.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living. ~Plato

I consciously began my journey of self-knowledge more than 20 years ago, and bring the spiritual perspectives, insights and experiences I have gained along the way to help interpret, intuit, guide and facilitate our sessions.

And you, when will you begin the journey into yourself? ~Rumi

Sessions are held by phone or Internet (Skype, chat, email).
Time slots available are: Monday-Thursday 11:00am, noon, & 1pm or 7:00pm & 8:00pm PST
To schedule an initial (free) meeting, fill out the contact form below with your desired time slot in the comment section.

To Purchase Soul Work Session(s) click here

Are you Bored? Is it Time to Walk a New Path?

Today’s Soul Report: Enthusiasm

Everyday, subscribers receive in their inbox, a Daily Soul Glimpse: a nudge from my soul to yours to help inspire self-inquiry and relationship with your soul. Below is what they received today:

Yesterday, I was bored with the book I am writing. So bored, I left the desk, picked up The Hobbit that I had been reading, sat in the sun and read. I hadn’t been able to get into the adventure of Bilbo and his friends. But, yesterday when I sat in the sun I was like a kid- giddy with excitement.

Bilbo and his friends had just outsmarted the dragon, and they were inside his lair, where all the riches were. Soon, the little Hobbit would be going home, a place he dreamed about being during his entire adventure.

Still not wanting to go back to my writing work, I took a walk. I walked the usual path- down the boulevard near our home, then back around. Seemed a bit stale and boring this time, just like my writing and I wanted, if nothing else, for my walk to last longer.

I imagined another way I could go to get home- a way I hadn’t been before, but knew the road well enough that it curved up and would lead back to the boulevard. But, just as the road began to curve up, I looked to the left and saw a gravel path. I knew the river was near.

But, that didn’t entice me as a river here in Los Angeles is is not the Mighty Mississippi of my childhood. Instead it is a man-built, concrete tube where sometimes water flows, and most times it doesn’t. I took this path anyway.

It moved right along with the golf course and the “river,” which of course was dry. But there were trees and quiet- and it was new. At every bend or hill, I’d tell myself I would turn around and go home. But, my curiosity won at every bend and down every hill. Soon, I was hearing traffic noise again, and was under the great overpass of a busy highway. The enormity of its pillars and the concrete above me made me feel small and vulnerable, and honestly so was this path.

I did not know where it led. I was alone, and at one point I saw what I thought was a loose dog, a Doberman no less, and my heart stopped. Thankfully, his owner appeared. “He’s chasing rabbits,” he told me.

Continuing to walk, following my curiosity the path led to many paths. One seemed to go around in a circle, although I did not venture it to see. And another led over a little bridge where water actually ran under it. Further, a bubbling creek adorned with river rock. The kind one could step on to get to the other side. It was getting dark, though and I would be calling my adventure over- until next time when I would go farther. Perhaps over that river rock.

We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life when all that we need to be really happy is something to be enthusiastic about. ~ Charles Kingsley

On my return home, I found I was no longer bored. I was enthused. Although I did not meet a dragon like Bilbo, only a doberman with an owner, I felt I had gone on an adventure. I thought about my curiosity, and how it has been my courageous friend in many of my walking endeavors. It is one of the areas in my life where I may be afraid to travel new ground, but still I continue. I am also this way inside my soul. Curious to know what else is in there….But, my writing and work in the world, I tend toward timid.

As I said, I was bored with my work, and left it. I thought about how I found that new path. It began by walking the same old one, and then wanting to walk a little further. To be this way in my work, as I am in my soul and on my walks then, is what I’m after. To keep going and be curious of new ways to see. New ways to express. New. New. New.

Curiosity saves us from boredom. And the more detached we are in that area of our life, the more curious we will be. Curiosity will always bring us somewhere new. Give us new insights. New ways of seeing. And when this happens, we find we are enthused.

Just like that quote above- money and fame, even the riches in a dragon’s lair won’t bring the happiness that a new adventure can. That a life of doing work, which fulfills us can- that a life lived with enthusiasm can. This is what I believe we are all seeking.

Self-Inquiry:

What area in your life feels dull and uninteresting? It might be that it is an area where we need to pay less attention, but it also may be an area where we only need to bring new eyes to. In what areas are you more adventurous and curious? Do you find these areas bring more joy into your life? How might you travel a new path? How might you be more daring? Be curious, and notice when you are enthused and when you are not.

To subscribe to Soul Glimpses, click here.

Connect Before You Cannot

Today’s Soul Report: Reaching Out

I can’t do this alone anymore. These words poured out from me as I walked up a hill by my house. I’m begging to be helped. 

Prior to these words pouring out, I sent a text to my mom. I told her everything that was happening to me. I reached out to her.

This was no easy task. I remember before we left for California, lying in a bed next to my mom. “Mom, I don’t feel comfortable around you.” She didn’t know how to take it, but this was the most honest I’d been with her. I did not, and probably have never felt comforatable around my mother.

In a previous post, I shared a dream I had about my mother. We were in a car, and I was trying to engage her in the beauty surrounding us, but she wasn’t paying attention. I then, tried to warn her of a car that she was about to hit- again she was not paying attention.

My primal relationship is with my mother- as is most of ours. And I’m guessing, from utero to present day, I did not sense a connection to my mother. This disconnect, I am finding has defined most, if not all of my relationships, and the fact that I’ve not had many relationships, especially with girl friends.

As I continued to walk up that hill, over and over again, tears began to pour out too, along with those words: I can’t do this alone anymore. A heaviness in my chest became obvious, and it was almost as though I were exorcising some major entity that had taken up a lot of space in my being.

This entity had a story. It is the ‘I don’t need anyone’ story. The ‘I can and have done it alone, and this is good because, hey, knowing how to be alone and only count on me is a good thing’ story. The story has been with me so long, I did not even know there was much else but this story. I thought the story was Truth.

But this day, where I released that heaviness, where I reached out to my mom, where I declared I can’t do it alone anymore, allowed enough space where I could hear this story. It was like I heard it for the first time, even though it had been playing for many, many years. I saw it, and at once abandoned it. I said to it, yes, but this is not helpful to me anymore. I want to see all the people who are there now. I want to reach out. And I thank you for keeping me safe all these years.

That day happened a few weeks ago now. Interestingly, I’ve reached out several times since. To a relative, who it turns out shares similar issues. We talked and shared and laughed, and it was good. I’ve reached out to a publisher about a book idea, and she wants to see more. I’ve made myself more available to my family, and my mother recently sent this text, which for me says everything:  I want to connect before I cannot.

You see, it wasn’t necessarily I was alone. We are never alone anyway. It’s impossible. From the very beginning we needed someone to get here. We can’t brush our teeth without the one who invented the toothbrush. We are never, ever alone and do absolutely nothing alone, although this is a HUGE story so many of us tell.

For a while, perhaps a long while, this story comforts us. We like to hide and feel isolated. We get to be right when we tell ourselves no one is there for us, and then no one is. I shared in a recent post, how I tested people. I wanted to see, are you there? And guess what, most failed, but I was right. But, really in our pain and power of being right, what we really want is to connect, as my mom says.

In her case, she is going to be 70 this year. Finally, all of those dramas and issues she had while I was a kid, where she couldn’t connect to the beauty or the pain, no longer matters as much. Now she wants to connect before she cannot.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

The Land of the Living

***Alright I am tempting you again today to subscribe to Your Daily Soul Glimpse (click here). Here is what subscribers received today in their inbox. Okay, now no more tempting (I think).

Today’s Soul Report: Looking Deep Within or Looking Out

I believe each of us is born with a natural leaning toward looking or not looking. ~Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening

Mark admits: “Not surprisingly, I am one of those feminine seers: I believe if I don’t look, I will die.”

Similar to Mark, I believe if I don’t look, I will never be free. I shall never know comfort again. I describe myself as the Princess and the Pea. I must find the pea or rest I will not.

Mark also says, “…feel which you need right now- to look or not to look. Which will bring you more fully to the land of the living?”

You mean to say, sometimes it’s better not to look?

As he says, “…like staring into the sun too long, there are times we mustn’t look to preserve our sight.”

The boat ride home this weekend from Catalina was a bit rocky. I tend toward seasick. But, this time I knew I would not get sick. I felt strong and stable in my core. However, when I looked down, taking my eyes from the horizon, I recaptured that familiar queasy feeling.

I am in a time where deep digging does not serve me. This does not mean I am in denial of anything, which might lurk below. It just means- not now. It means now is the time to stay steady and stable in my core, and keep my eyes forward- on that horizon line. This is what’s needed to bring me “more fully to the land of the living.”

Where are you? Are you in a space in time where it is better to look deep within or not to look?

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

A Glimpse

 

Today is the first day of The Daily Soul Glimpse Subscription. Below is what those who subscribed received in their inbox today. I invite you to subscribe here, and you will begin to receive Daily Glimpses to support, encourage and awaken you on your journey.

Your Daily Soul Glimpse

 

March 22, 2012 ~ Opening the Door

Today is the first day of your Daily Soul Glimpse subscription.

Welcome.

As we begin together, it is difficult to know where you are on your journey. However, it is the intent for your Daily Glimpse to provide a space for your journey wherever you are.

So for today, contemplate your journey thus far. What has brought you to this moment? What do you sense is moving you? Do you feel pulled along by outside forces? Or do you feel moved from a deeper space within? Or somewhere in between? And further what is your relationship with whatever is moving you? Is this an important relationship? One you’ve developed over the years, consciously? Or are you now, opening the door?

I might suggest you keep a journal of what you receive in the ways of words, images, experiences. And always feel free to share, comment or ask me questions along the way. Also, if there is content you’d like more of, please suggest.

If you feel these Glimpses are of value to you and your journey, please let others know by pointing them here: http:// thesoulreporter.wordpress.com/soul-glimpses/

Namaste, Nikki

Your Daily Soul Glimpse will arrive to you in a PDF file, which you can open and save, to look upon anytime you choose. If you have issues viewing or opening the document, please let me know promptly. To unsubscribe at anytime, reply to your email and write “unsubscribe” in the subject line.

Copyright © 2012 by Nikki Di Virgilio