10 Reasons to Know the Soul

Hi. So I’ve been writing about the Soul- mostly my own, for about 7 years on this blog: The Soul Reporter.

Based on how slow my following has happened, I might assume The Soul is not a popular or trendy topic. But, it is what I know, and desire to know more of. And “they” say do what you love, what you know. So, here I am writing about the soul.

And here I am offering a service as well…Your own Soul Report. 

What in the heck is a Soul Report…? 

Inside of us is the soul, and I see it a storehouse of spiritual/universal/personal lessons, which help us grow and expand, and where we can meet who we are. Think of it like a map. 

Therefore, I am offering investigative, soul-searching sessions where we will work one-on-one via phone, email and/or Skype, to dig into this storehouse, and find your map.

But, why on earth is this soul-searching work important? Here are some reasons why:

  • To begin healing old wounds, and the emotions and thought structures within them.
  • To become more compassionate because once we know more about ourselves, we will understand others. We need more of this.
  • To realize more freedom- within self, life and relationships.
  • To development the spiritual attributes of courage, patience and wisdom.
  • To begin the journey from the head to the heart.
  • To receive a higher/deeper perspectives, which will allow us not to get stuck as often or as long when we face difficult and challenging experiences.
  • To be better spouses, friends, children, parents, people.
  • To live without agenda. Be one of the few who actually are not bothered by insecurities,which often distract from our growth, and hurt others.
  • To become your best friend. To hear your Voice. And know your Truth.
  • To have more moments of expanded peace & pleasantness & to feel we are conquering & surrendering to the only space worth conquering & surrendering- ourselves.

I hope these reasons make you want to take the next step. If so, fill out the form below. The first session is free, so there is nothing to lose. And here, let me tell you a secret, and maybe it’s inappropriate, but it comes from my heart and soul: this IS the work I want to do with people- and I know it’s the the best work we will ever do.

For more information, click here.  To begin the process of receiving your Soul Report, fill out the form:

To Purchase Session(s), click here for the rate of $75/hour. Too much? Let’s talk. 


The Soul Reporter

Go Deeper

Today’s Soul Report: The Spiritual Life

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life. ~Buddha

I heard about a man who left his wife and children to pursue a spiritual adventure. I listened to a man preach from the Bible, and yet he smoked and drank. A woman says, “I am a Christian, but I don’t know enough about the Bible to have a conversation about it.” I see religious politicians on their soap box to reform homosexuals. I’ve called myself spiritual and have found myself intolerant of others.

If we call ourselves Christians and participate in self-destructive behaviors, while preaching the Word- I say, go deeper. If we call ourselves spiritual, yet find we are increasingly intolerant of others- I say again, go deeper. If we think we can’t be who we are without leaving a relationship or go om with the monks, again, go deeper.

Our spiritual life is not intended to stop once we proclaim, I am Christain, I am spiritual. I am this. I am that. The spiritual life continues. It expands. Deepens. Widens. A spiritual life need not restrict or exclude. Condemn or cut us off. And further the spiritual life has everything to do with who and where we are right now, which means the smoking, drinking, judging, leaving- whatever. It has to do with ourselves, and everything that means, some of which we know, most of which we don’t.

The spiritual life is first of all a life.
           It is not merely something to be known and studied, it is to be lived. ~Thomas Merton

There is a disconnect happening, at least that I see, and I believe it is because our awareness of the spiriutal life is in our heads. We listen, mostly, to the ideas in our head that we believe to be true, instead of listening to our soul. In order to go deeper, we must move our awareness away from our heads and into our soul space. Beyond this, I am not sure, but the soul is where I see, is the next space for humanity to move.

The soul speaks a different language. It’s more subtle. Flexible. Honest. It might speak to us in images or feelings or words, which surface spontaneously. Once there, we will be moved to spaces within us that might frighten and overwhelm us, but as I said in my previous post, the only way out is through and I do believe, many of us have yet to get over many of the experiences we have had in our lives. Our childhoods still haunt us. Traumas are still buried. Dreams ignored. There is a lot there to realize. And no matter what cliches or beliefs we hold and proclaim, if there is something troubling our soul, the only way to move through it is to look at it. Connect to it. Learn from it, and therefore grow because of it.

To live deeper and grow, we must move beyond our superficial and lazy way of living the spiritual life. We must question our current beliefs. Stretch our commitment beyond saying the right things or accepting the right savior. To say or think any thing that we have not fully realized from within does not make us of sound mind. It may provide some relief, and have us put off what we know we must do, for another day. But, if we want more inner stability. More wisdom. More flexibilty. Freedom. More of who we are- then, we must go deeper.

I guess it comes down to this: do we want something lasting and true or do we want something superficial and convenient? Do we really want to know who we are or just think we know who we are? Do we want to commit to living deeper now or later?

For those ready to excavate the soul, go to the “Soul Work” tab to learn more, and fill out the form. I’m here to be a guide, if you so desire.


The Soul Reporter


Soul Work

Today’s Soul Report: Soul Work

Yesterday, I wrote about being open. Yesterday, I lived what I wrote. Today, I intend to do the same. But, back to yesterday- in my mind, I saw myself getting some work done in the afternoon, but instead I opened- and took some time with my morning pages. From there, I stood on the sidewalk and looked at the sky and all I wanted to do was walk. So I walked. As I walked, it became clear what my next step would be- to introduce Soul Work (I’ll say more about that in a minute).

When I returned from my walk, it was time to get my daughter and begin dinner. When I finally sat down to write out my plan for Soul Work, my daughter came in with some news. I put my work down and gave her all my attention. And then, I stayed up until 1:30 creating my ‘Soul Work’ page, located here on this blog (look up). The only reason I am telling you all these somewhat boring details is to share what I learned- if we stay open, every step to make the day complete and full, arrives. Had I not opened beyond my agenda-riddled mind, I would not have gone on a walk. Had I not gone on the walk, I may have, instead sat at the desk spinning my wheels, wasting time wondering what I should be doing.

See how efficient we can be, when we are OPEN.

Now- Soul Work. I am not going too far into what I mean by Soul Work (because I did that last night until almost 2 am and if you click here you can read more) but, one description I will give is a quote, which explains it: “The only useful purpose is to turn within and realize. There is nothing else to do.” (Ramana Maharishi) What I do want to go into more are reasons why this IS the only useful purpose.

Here is one reason:

The places unseen are what cause the most trouble.

The news my daughter gave me last night is too personal to share here, but what I will say is by coming to me, and sharing what what none of us saw, was we finally did see, and in us seeing, she could see even more. And for me this is what Soul Work is about. We tend to want change to be more complicated than this- you know, 10 steps to enlightenment sort of thing, but really it is about SEEING, and then it gets complicated because there is A LOT to see. But first steps, first….

So, if I were to give 10 steps to enlightenment, my first step would be to SEE. To LOOK. To PAY ATTENTION- to how you feel. What you think. Where you are standing right now. What you are holding inside. JUST STOP AND LOOK, and to help even more, share what you see with someone else. Maybe this is why confession was/is done. I never went, and when I see it in movies, it always looks kind of creepy, but there is something about confessing what we keep hidden- the secrets we don’t want anyone to know about, that shifts our behaviors. Because the places unseen are what cause the most trouble.

I will continue to share more reasons why Soul Work is the only useful thing to do.


The Soul Reporter

Getting Into It

A bit of a rant: Attention Writers & Artists of all kinds

It seems to me articles and books for aspiring writers (books and articles I read since writing is my chosen art form) often aren’t speaking to that genius part in us- the literary great, which resides within. Instead they, who are usually writers who have already published, write to the part of us that worry we will never be published. The part that wants to be good enough to be published but might not be or if so, has to jump through a hundred hoops, that they now know about, to maybe squeeze in the very tight publishing door, the door somehow they were able to squeeze through- and I am sure it is because they knew somebody who knew somebody who was somebody (or so they say that’s how it really happens).

I just saw an ad for a writing program offered by a well-known person in the writing/self-help world. The program costs thousands of dollars.  Somewhere in this advertisement, had I not skimmed, it probably guarantees success. I’m sure it works too, but I’m not going to buy it. In fact I am not sure I am going to buy any program like that. I may not even read another book or article about getting published or how to build a platform.

Why? Because I’d rather be writing. My days of gathering information, and worrying over why I probably won’t be one of the “lucky” few who have success, are over. I’ve heard author, Elizabeth Gilbert speak a few times about her success from Eat Pray Love, and I’m always annoyed by her response to her success. She speaks of it like some kind of fluke. It’s disheartening. Not encouraging, but that’s her perception. Or at least how she presents it publicly. As an aspiring writer, I want “them” to speak to me that everything is possible and not that I have to just hope my book too will be a fluke. Speak to me as if I am that genius. Stop speaking to me as if you are now the expert who might know better than I…..but just like I never understand why parents are angered when the olympic swimmer smokes pot or any other athlete who does “wrong,” because their children see them as role models, these published writers don’t have to hold up to my ideals either.

There are so many layers to a wish come true; to a desire of the soul. Everything must align for that “perfect storm.” All necessary energies and desires present. Divine timing and readiness of the writer. It’s a lot more than what those books and articles tell you. It’s included. But there’s more. And if this desire is in the soul, and the soul desires to permit the desire, than the being within the soul shall certainly have it, and quite possibly more than ever imagined. Call me naive. Tell me I’ve no clue because I’ve no agent. I’ve no published book…..


There are many telling us what their secrets are and giving advice when we didn’t ask for it, and information was not meant to dictate to us how to live or publish or whatever, but simply add something new or maybe show us what we don’t add, and I dont care what well known expert is dictating it either. We have our own expert available to us, and we can become conscious of it. It is our SOUL.  It knows us and only us. It works for us and only us. We can go there even if we don’t know where there is.

Now I’m going to go get an agent. Why? Because in my soul I know it’s time to find someone other than myself who is  going to believe in my work and work for my work. And until I find that person or if I don’t, that person will continue to be me.

Today’s Soul Tip:

When we are truly into our art, we are into our art. We aren’t reading about what we should do with our art, or how to make our art, or about other people’s opinions about our art. This IS the best place to be- within our art, and where that art takes us, and where that art wants to go, we listen. We watch. We obey. In this way NOTHING is ever a fluke. 


The Soul Reporter

What’s Going On…?

I’m concerned. I’ve “met” a few people online. These people are kindred souls, or so it seems. We “like” each other’s updates. We may chat on line or email exchange. And then we might share a link or post an update or add a comment that shares our political or religious views/opinions- and then as they say, ‘the shit hits the fan.’

Example: I watched Fahrenheit 9-11 last week. I posted a comment about my experience of watching it again 10 years later, and a “friend” shared a link of a documentary that delved into another theory of 9-11, suggesting the government was behind 9-11 and there were bombs planted inside the towers. I had seen this before, and watched again with interest. After watching, I asked this “friend” why? Why would “they” want to do this? She posted another link about President Obama. I didn’ t finish the video, but what I gathered is he, like most presidents are puppets to coroporations, and specifically the Federal Reserve, which I have heard is privately owned.

During John Kerry’s democratic convention, a nice looking young man, named Barack Obama came onto the stage and lit my fire. He inspired forward a message of unity sitting stagnant inside of me and I said to myself, who is this guy? I like Barack. I always have. I believe he is a good man. I told my “friend” this, and also said that these political conversations don’t go anywhere because someone is usually trying to convince the other they are right.

She told me a good man wouldn’t have attended the church he did or married a woman who wrote some black supremacist diatribe against the “very culture who established the educational system she attended.” She went on to say I was blinded by my desire to have faith.  I told her that conspiracy theories, true or not are a distraction unless we are willing to revolt and take back our country. I told her I stand by my feeling about Barack and would admit I was wrong if he actually was the monster many portray him to be. I realized after I spent time bashing Bush, that I have no idea what it is like to be president, and therefore to judge the way the position is held is ignorant.

And this is where it got weird, and ugly. She brought up my decision to homeschool (in an eery throw it in my face sort of way) because of the faulty LA schools, she mentioned my husband, who is black. She told me all I do is contemplate my navel and asked, “What do you do for the world besides talk about yourself?” She then said she wouldn’t disclose any of the secrets (I guess) I told her because she is honest that way, and for now our paths will no longer cross. And then ended with the ever lovely, “Bless.” I was deleted from her Facebook friends and Twitter. Poof. Gone. See ya.

Here is why I am concerned. I have met others like this woman online and face-to-face in the past year or so. These people seem to spend a lot of time in isolation, in front of their computers. Here they explore these conspiracies and over time believe they are true. Also, the virtual friends they make allows them to fantasize about relationships that aren’t really real, except of course in their own mind. My projection of this woman in particular is she believed we were kindred spirits- that she had a friend in me, but as soon as I shared my own thoughts, which didn’t mesh with her own, she seemed to feel oddly betrayed and was done. And not only done, but threatened enough to attack in what she believed were vulnerable places for me.

You might say, who cares. But, while they might fear the government, I fear for them. The government and all the corruption that goes along with it, is an entity I choose not to focus on for the same reasons I am passionate about spirituality, but choose not to get involved with channeling and past lives and ghosts- it’s a distraction, and a can be a dangerous one.

Voltaire said, we must cultivate our own garden, so in a sense saying all I do is contemplate my navel and talk about myself is all I am supposed to do. It is really all I can do. It is all I know and want to know better. There isn’t enough looking within. There is too much looking out. This does not make one who does this naieve or selfish or unaware of the needs of others.  It makes one establish a solid foundation and from here discern what is empowering and useful and what isn’t, and the brighter, more abundant our gardens, the more there is to share. Back to our government-  I do not doubt there is terrible, ugly curroption within it. I am sure Barack is learning this first hand. But- right now I have no desire to start a revolt. I am still cultivating- and often sharing.

See, there is this law called karma and it happens with or without our saving or fearing the world. The darkness, secrets, lies are all being uncovered right now. It is why the world seems so dark at the moment. Karma is happening. I don’t have to read about conspiracies or get people on my side because what is happening inside the white house walls and corporate board rooms will take care of itself. As they ignorantly believe they are manipulating us, if that is what they are doing, they are merely only twisting tighter their own already tangled webs. Yes, some of us will and do get caught up in it and there are many who call out how unfair it is- but nothing is unfair. It’s karma. It’s what is, and we can look within and learn from what is happening or we can keep pointing the finger and believe our conspiracies and learn nothing, and abandon those who don’t get along with what we believe as Truth, therefore continuing to spread isolation, separateness, fear and ignorance- and from where I sit, the results are in.

In the past year, I have yet to get into a healthy debate or conversation with anyone. Instead I get deleted or ignored or attacked or leave myself, for the projections have gone too far.  I see posts and links and hear people being critical of the president. There is bitching because there was too much hype over Hurricane Irene. Suffering because there was not enough with Katrina. Truth, unity and freedom is discouraged and feared, even though we pride ourselves on encouraging them.

What’s going on….?

This cynicism, paranoia and intolerance is spreading like wildfire. I am reminded of my new dog, Olive. She is still a puppy- an Italian Mastiff. She is an anxious dog. Probably isolated before she came to us. Wasn’t around many other dogs or people. When we take her on walks, or when someone comes to the door, her hackles go up. Our trainer says this is not something we want because when she is anxious and her hackles are up she is more prone to be aggressive.

A Remedy…

There are a lot of people, it would seem whose hackles are up. Looking to be deceived. Abandoned. Betrayed. Look, and you will always find. I believe my “friend” thought I was naive. “Blinded” she said because of my need to have faith in a person (speaking of Barack). She asked, “What makes him good?” He has good in him as we all do. He has darkness too. We all do. There is a point of maturity, which happens if we cultivate our own garden, where we see the darkness in others, but we don’t fear it or condemn it or try and control it- we just notice it. We also Know in them is Perfection, something my dad has been saying to me lately. To not buy into “conspiracies” or “truths” does not mean we are stupid or naive. It means we don’t need to hang onto anything to feel right or secure or affirmed. It means we don’t take any of this so serisously we stamp people out for not agreeing with us. It means we keep our eye on the larger movement happening- that everything is bringing us deeper into our Perfection. As serious as it all is, it’s not that serious.

On the surface we see, feel and often become deeply entrenched in the chaos, but beneath the chaos is absolute perfect, divine order. Keeping at least one eye here, we do not need to argue or disagree or agree or resist or delete or do anything…at all. And in my case, I need not be concerned.


The Soul Reporter

Investigating (with slight irritation) Certain Spiritual Teachings

Teaching up for investigation: “It’s not up to you what you learn, but only whether you learn through joy or through pain.” ~A Course in Miracles

Upfront disclaimer: If you hear a charge in this post, you are right on. I’m irritated with certain spiritual teachings (I’ll get through it, but right now I am learning in a slightly painful way). I think some teachings are only useful in keeping us away from the real work, which in the long term is not useful. This one (above) for example has those markings. So, let’s investigate- if I believe in this teaching, that would mean I have no possibility of insight into my lessons. There is some being somewhere in charge of what I need to learn. It would also mean that I have a choice whether I learn through joy or through pain. I would agree, we have choice- and if I am using my strong will, I can will myself to choose to learn through joy, instead of pain. I mean who the hell really wants to learn through pain…..?

But, can we be honest? I can’t be the only one who has learned a lot of my lessons through intense amounts of pain. Pain, I was so immersed in I didn’t have the will power to choose joy, to even think that was an option. Does this then make me weak? Insufficient because I chose to suffer instead of jump to those lessons with glee?

To learn in joy is a certain kind of mastery I don’t believe I could even talk much about (I don’t like to talk about ideas without having personal experience). I’m not there. I think it’s possible for those who have worked diligently and intently on their path, and gone through lots of pain, but for most of us common folk, still ignorant to our True nature, this type of spiritual teaching might not be helpful. It keeps us in the superficial layer of our spiritual growth, where we think we can control how we feel by will alone. And where some of us who have gone a bit deeper than the superficial layers might feel bad because we aren’t choosing our lessons through joy. There were many times, as much as I was inspired by Wayne Dyer’s teachings, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t all happy, happy, joy, joy and maintaing my spiritual perspective through my shit, my hand on the trolley strap, so to speak.

To go back to this teaching that it is not up to us what we learn- this makes me feel disempowered. I know there is a soul, and I know contained within this soul are my lessons. I believe these lessons are universal, and we will all learn them as we are ready, which means we are the ones who choose to receive those lessons or to put them off. I also know we are given the extraordinary gift of insight, which can be used to look within and have knowledge into our lessons. I also trust, as we evolve into this soul, we will be able facilitate and consciously prepare and participate in those lessons. We may not know how those lessons will come to us, but we can know they are coming and will remain open and ready to receive. This may be the point in which there is joy- a sort of anticipatory joy, like YAY! Today I am going to be stretched and I can’t wait because I want to grow. But so many of us are unaware of this going on inside of us so how can we consciously participate, let alone joyously (therefore not knowing might be a more comfortable belief for those wanting to stay safe on the shore). This means the lessons that do come are probably going to hurt like hell because we don’t know what is going on or why and we are resisting them all the way.

Looking for the positive:

What this spiritual lesson does do is bring awareness that there are lessons we will learn and are learning. That is essential to know. It gives perspective. It also brings awareness to choice of joy or pain, but it doesn’t go deep or wide or guide enough to where many of us are right now in our evolution- not where we can choose joy in a pure authentic way while we grow (but we can pretend :-). Having only read bits and pieces of ACIM, maybe it does do this throughout the book. What I did read, the words inspired higher aspects, but it wasn’t very grounding for me. I am not content only with ideals. I want to be those ideals, and that is quite a process of unraveling and discovering. It’s work. Often painful- just being honest.

Lesson: The most helpful teaching/teacher for me inspires my true nature, while also holding the space of where I am with insight, guidance and compassion. 

To Sprawl

Today’s Soul Report:

What if we were to see our roots exposed like this tree? How long would they be? How far would they reach? What understanding would this sight bring of who we are and where we have been and where we are going?

I came upon this tree last week. Earlier that week, I had lost our family dog of almost 13 years. This tree brought solace. I sat upon its roots, within its deep crevices. Wisdom. This is what I thought when I first saw the tree. What wisdom it must have, and would it share some with me.

I asked for its message, its lesson for me. I heard the word sprawl. The word sprawl means to spread out over an area in an irregular or untidy way. At first glance, to an “untrained” eye, I suppose the roots do look irregular and untidy. If it were on a person’s personal property they may even be seen as a nuisance, worrying about the foundation they might crack. To my eye, which sees the so called untidiness of nature as beauty and in perfect order, these roots were the most beautiful and magical image I have seen.

But what does the word sprawl mean for me? There is beauty, adventure, magic and beyond this- natural instinct to sprawl- from within our center to outside- everywhere. To touch as much as we can. To reach and expand to and for our fullest potential in this bodily, earthly form.

In my fear. My hesitation. My ability to over-think and out-smart, so not to let too much in for fear I may feel too good or be hurt too badly, I’ve not sprawled and expanded like I long to, as this tree has. As this tree shows. That is its lesson for me. Reach. Expand. Sprawl as I have never done before.

Today’s Soul Tip:

I’ve noticed a certain joy creeping up inside of me in this week of my dog passing. The grief, tells me to be loyal- remember no joy. Something bad has happened. As sad as it was to watch my dog die, as someone said, the experience showed me who I am and who I was in those moments was open, vulnerable and courageous. I faced what I feared. Perhaps facing our fears sprouts our seeds of joy. But how can they grow, if I squash them with my loyalty to sadness and despair. It is not that I choose to deny my grief. I feel it when it is here, but I am also aware I am more comfortable in grief, sadness and despair than I am in joy. I must make room for that which I am unsure of.

When we are being stretched to go beyond what is comfortable, we might feel pissed off. Scared. Disloyal. We think we do not want to be moved beyond what’s pleasant, but actually we do want this. We want to be stretched. Moved. We long to sprawl. Expand. To reach to our fullest potential.


The Soul Reporter

>A Soul Tune-Up is a Turn-Inward


Today’s Soul Report:

I posted I would do it, and I did. I had my Day of Nothing. See there- that’s my foot, sporting my TOMS, serving my impulse to find a bench and just sit.  No phone, computer, responsibilities, nothing (although obviously, I had a camera), just me, and it was fabulous. I only reached for my phone, that was sitting face down at home on my nightstand, twice. It was easy and effortless to be with nothing but me.

I took myself to lunch. I ordered chili and a pot of peppermint tea at Penelope’s Cafe. The day was cloudy, just how I like them. A bit cool, but an outdoor fireplace blazed next to me. I listened to a mother and a son gossip about relatives who just left their home. I observed everyone had someone, and if they didn’t they had a book.  There was one man, an elderly gentleman, a regular who chatted with the owner who sat alone, like me with his bowl of chili. No book. No phone.

After my last sip of tea, I drove down the road to Descanso Gardens, where I spent the day. I traveled light. Prada pouch filled with just wallet and keys, and my camera. I had only been in the entrance of this beautiful place, and wondered if there would be a bench or two where I could sit. There were so many benches in just the right places, I could pick and choose, which one spoke to me. The first was a solitary chair. I had hoped one was near where I spotted the roof of a cottage. I’ve always wanted to live in a cottage.

The sun was peeking through the gray, and the air became muggy and warm. The chair was under no protection, and I soon left. Found a hummingbird unafraid of my standing so close.

There was a wedding party wandering with their agenda-induced photographers. I went wherever they weren’t, finding myself not wanting to be surrounded with the traditions and bothering’s of our society. More bothering’s occurred- constructions sounds beyond the fence, which were soon drowned out by a small waterfall. 
Children screamed. Groups of youth, laughing and talking loudly. I found a rhythm of sitting on benches and exploring the gardens. Of flexibility with noises and wondering…where is the quiet reverence…? Why must we make so much noise everywhere we go…?(small children excluded. I had a high-pitch screamer and despised the dirty looks). 
Again, no one was alone- me, and then I spotted a couple more- elderly women. As if they visit often. Sun hats on. Walking shoes present. Silent. Reverent. Moving to a slow-paced and present rhythm. Like me, without the sun hat. Is it possible to move in this way even while I am 39? Must I wait for solitude and presence when I’ve aged enough to know it’s the moment that matters? 

My peace grew as I moved further from the road more traveled. I sat at this bench for a long while. Sat until truth was present.

I envy the squirrels. All of nature is theirs to wake up to everyday. They are one with it. My life seems so far removed from this way of life.  These things—phones, televisions, the agenda of this ego-driven modern world. Responsibilities. But as much as it might seem this day was about what’s not right- the noise and the bothering’s of the world- the moment on the bench was more of an affirmation of what my soul needs.  It needs nature. It longs for communion. Solitude. Space to return to the the slow-paced rhythm of my soul, which only appears slow against the back-drop of our fast-paced world.

We move like this because we forget who we are. We lose touch with our pace. We think we will succeed if we are fast-movers. Recall, the tortoise and the hare. The mystery- what we seek is in the moment, moments we often miss running to win like the hare. My oldest daughter turned 19 last week. My youngest turns 11tomorrow. I recall our little Lilli laying on our bed, newly born. The rest is a blur. I desire no more blurring. I desire clarity. Richness. Depth, and a pace which allows such pleasures.

My Day of Nothing was enough to remind me there is no bonus in stress. In force. In fast. NONE. I no longer need to be addicted to the chemicals it gives. Peace. Relaxation. Ease. This is my new fix.

Today’s Soul Tip:

Nature runs through our veins. We are alive with it and it is alive with us. Spend as much time with it, and if nature doesn’t make your soul sing and bring ease to your steps, offer yourself daily doses of what does bring you back to your natural rhythm.  It will give you a much needed tune-up. 


The Soul Reporter

>A Day of Nothing

>Today’s Soul Report:

Today, at a museum, beyond large, glass doors was a scene urging me to sit and be still in it. A small pond dressed with lily pads. Soft grass. A bamboo lined path. I turned away and went about my day.

Maybe it is the memory of that scene’s call, the uncomfortableness I feel inside, or a blog post I read of a woman sitting on a bench all day- with nothing but herself….whatever it is, I’m doing this. I’m not sure if I will pay the $10 to enter that scene and sit, or drive to the ocean, or sit on a bench in a park, but I will just sit for hours. No phone. No iPad- a deceive I’m loving for blogging, although not Blogger friendly. No magazines. No books. No journal. N O T H I N G

It will be interesting, for if insights come, I will want to write them down…what will I do. I don’t know, but I know I need nothing. The day of nothing has yet to be scheduled, but it will be next week. My oldest is out of town. My youngest will still be in school. I’m sure to give you a report. Or maybe I won’t. Who knows what a day of nothing could bring. Maybe nothing.

Today’s Soul Tip:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul…


The Soul Reporter

>Face to Face With the Guru

The other night, I grew a little bit taller. And isn’t this what our soul journey is about- growing and expanding deeper into the truth of who we are?  And isn’t it wonderful to know our soul leads us to the perfect experiences to make this happen?

I remember sharing an experience, which I don’t remember now, to my great-aunt and dear friend, Linda. I was talking about someone, and I am sure mentioning an issue I had with that person, and she said, “Now remember everyone is you.” Everyone we meet holds a mirror that only seems to show their image, but it actually holds our own. When we really OWN this, we begin to see aspects of ourselves through others~ our ideas, beliefs, desires, patterns and truths we hold within ourselves. If we are open, we will see these reflections. If we are brave we will learn and grow from them.

I’ve held a deep pattern. I hide. I withdraw. I become invisible. I try and stay safe, and not stretch too far. I also hold a deep and burning desire. To be seen. To become visible. Actively participating and engaged with life and its people. These patterns cause conflict because the way I perceive them, but…the ocean holds two patterns- to move in. To move out. The breath- in. Out. My pattern- in. Out, but mostly I’ve been in. And now I’m moving out. While I’ve been in, I’ve imagined this big life. Holding the vision of this life, I may receive opportunities to bring more life in so I can breathe more life out. But instead of greeting this with enthusiasm, I greet it with dread and hear my fear say- can’t we just stay home. And if I’m already in my car, it says, God, I can’t wait until we get home. I just want this to be over. Than I hear another voice. It says, If I am anxious about this “minor” happening in my life, then how am I going to handle the “major” ones? Then, I feel defeated. Isn’t it interesting how we ask for what we want, turn the corner and see it coming toward us, and then dip so it misses us, or we run the other way. But- if our desire is stronger than our fear and our trust in the life force within us is in tact, then we may stand up and embrace what’s coming our way~ and soon our pattern will be as rhythmic and natural as the ocean wave and the holy breath.

On Mother’s Day, I was invited to see a screening of a wonderful documentary, Wise Women Speak. The voice tried to talk me out of it, but my body kept moving toward it and before I knew it, I was on La Brea parking my car and meeting a great new friend to see the movie. We met another woman in the theater, and found we had interesting similarities- both Italian with the same ending in our last name. She is from a part of Illinois my Italian family is from, and she is a huge adoring fan of Marianne Williamson, and invited me to go with her to Marianne’s Monday night lecture. Since I had affirmed the other day, I possess the essential ingredients, and the rest is synchronicity, I took this as a synchronistic sign I should go see Marianne Williamson, especially because Marianne and I have a past.

My relationship began with her when I read, A Woman’s Worth. Because of that book, I bought an I am a Goddess bumper sticker that always embarrassed me. I was hiding from my goddess, yet I knew I had one in me. Then, I read Illuminata and loved that.  Still, when I see the cover I feel warm and cozy inside. CD’s of her were the next phase, but I found it difficult to listen to her voice, and would often press the fast forward button on my Ipod when she came up on shuffle. From here, I didn’t have much to do with Marianne.

Then, we moved to California and my husband and oldest daughter started reading a book together every night and would discuss it. We enjoyed this so much, we decided to read another. This time, A Return to Love, but we never finished it. Around this time, I wrote a blog post. It is titled, The Guru Has Got to Go~ Now.  Since moving here, I had found a freedom I could not grasp when in my home-state. And I liked it, and wanted more, but there was a problem. Someone was holding me back from even greater freedom, and I called her Sergeant Williamson. I’ve always carried a perfectionist inside of me, and when I lived my life as a home-maker she was obvious in her way of barking out her demands for a perfect house and life. When I left my home behind, I thought the perfectionist left as well, but she hadn’t. She now became someone who barked out spiritual orders to me- to be compassionate if I judged or had an opinion. To up my mediation to 30 minutes instead of just 15. Stuff like that- so it seemed fitting to see her as a cross between Marianne, a spiritual teacher who offers spiritual teachings and many know, and a drill sergeant who dictates orders. It made sense to me, and to most people who read it, except Marianne.

She sent me a message on Twitter and asked how she offended me because I painted an unattractive picture of her. I remember sitting on the couch, pre-menstrual, crabby, feeling like shit, and seeing my Iphone light with “Direct message from Marianne Williamson,” and I laughed. It was hysterical to me for some reason. I mean you don’t see that everyday, right? And how did she believe she offended me when the post was clearly not about her?  I thought maybe she had an assistant or someone who read it, but she didn’t read it, so I responded with the question- “Did you read the post?” I asked this question several more times, but I never got a response. And I could not give a response to her question because she didn’t offend me, other than her voice not resonating with me years ago, but that’s not what I wrote about. I wrote about MY inner perfectionist, which I fatefully called Sergeant Williamson.

Because of Twitter’s 140 character limit, she asked for my email so she could write a longer response. I was really looking forward to this. I thought- okay, great we can really have a good conversation now. I can explain my side further and she can explain hers, because at this point I didn’t understand her side, only that it had enough of an impact to contact me. And it is Marianne Williamson, and I am passionate about spiritual growth- and what a great opportunity to speak with her- I mean really who knew what the possibilities were. Not to mention I had been working on a blog post about spiritual teachers.

Months later, actually the exact same moment my post on spiritual teachers, a post I had been working on for months was deleted. Gone. Poof. Could not be retrieved, I received Marianne’s email. Um, call me stretching myself to look for signs, but this meant something for me. I knew it did.  Her email however, probably was only 140 characters and posed the same question- how did she offend me. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you find no matter what you say, they seem not to hear you? This is how I felt, and I couldn’t figure it out. I mean the intention of my post, which I shared numerous times seemed simple, and yet she continued to interpret me calling her a drill sergeant and speaking of her harshly. It leads me to ask, what is the pay off for holding a story, which seems to cause suffering or at least causes enough of something to warrant energy spent, even with the true intention being shared.

Honestly, I felt she wanted me to say, something like this, No Marianne, you did not offend me at all. I think you are wonderful. I adore you. You’ve taught me so much. But to say this might only appease her, and certainly not me, which brings me to the true point of this post. During the lecture, as I sat in the theater seats and watched her speak, I began opening to her. Her voice was easier to hear in person. I was impressed with her ability to “work a room.” She is creating a container for a community of people seeking and grieving in various ways, and it is a beautiful thing. By the end of the night, after listening to her lesson on relationships and how they are our opportunity to be in our nakedness (vulnerability) with another, any preconceived ideas I had of her after our on-line discussions dissipated in the light of this possibility.

And on some level, I must have known this as a possibility. The anxiety while driving to the event was extreme. The voices told me to go home and be safe.  When parking became an issue, I thought it would be the perfect excuse to turn around and leave. My daughter, who went with me along with my 10-year old, asked me what kind of anxiety it was. The kind, which forces an event to happen based on fear and insecurity or the kind, which resists an opportunity for real growth to occur.  It was definitely the kind that says feel the fear and go for it anyway. And what empowerment to finally be able to discern the difference. Going through the fear, I was stretched to the place where I now stood face to face with Marianne. My heart beat fast. I moved my attention outward, and watched a young woman speak to her. I saw in her, the old me that hides her divinity and bows down to those who must be more wise than I. I didn’t want to go there again. She is a human being, just like me. Isn’t it funny how we think otherwise, and do we ever wonder as “fans” how this feels for them?

When the exchange was over between her and I, I walked away wondering, what just happened. I came to her in one way, open and embracing and left feeling just as I did during our on-line conversations- dismissed. Once again I was unable to help relieve her of her story that I spoke of her harshly, and in my deepest self, I want to relieve others and myself of suffering. As our conversation went back and forth, never going to a place of resolution or understanding, I stayed true to myself, especially when she offered me feedback. She told me I need to be careful with my words, especially when speaking of women because we can get catty. “That does not resonate,” I said. I cannot use advice from a spiritual teacher or anyone when it does not resonate with the truth of who I am. From here the conversation was soon over after getting a “good luck with your blog, or whatever” with what looked like a dismissive hand gesture.

 Freedom is being okay within ourselves when we are not received in our truth by another.

I am going to admit something to you. It feels a bit like coming out of the closet, so I’m frightened. I am afraid you will say, yeah, right who does she think she is. She’s no Marianne Williamson. But I’ve imagined myself, probably since the days of reading self-help books and watching “experts” on the Oprah show, as a “spiritual teacher.” Well, first I wanted to be a psychologist. And then the expert on the talk shows, and than an author like Melody Beattie. But spirituality is my passion. I love learning about the most interesting subject I know- self. The deeper I go within, the deeper I want to go. The more I learn about the inner awakening process, the more I want to share.  I always hear, do what you love. Should I then be a spiritual teacher (I only call it this because people can relate, but this title makes me uncomfortable)? To say this, especially out loud makes me nauseous. It is an enormous responsibility.

People came to Marianne’s lecture with big stuff, which they shared in the audience and sought her counsel. I watched people wipe tears as Marianne said prayers. I am not saying as “spiritual teachers” we have to be responsible for everyone. Our work is our work, but I am saying there must be reconginition for what people are holding and to honor it sacred and do whatever we must for them without personal agenda. I couldn’t be sure for many years if I was ready for such a responsibility. What if I was seeking fame or recogntion or money in payment for spiritual teachings. If this were so, I could not live with that kind of karma. How can I deal with the adoration of others? How can I not believe their hype or my own? How can I stay grounded and true to my most basic intention- to help relieve suffering and create openings for self-realization? How can I be true to my teachings? No, I don’t think I can be perfect, although I know myself to try, but I can be honest. Transparent. Walk into an auditorium and have nothing to hide from anyone and have everything to give if I remain open and present. But I resist the call.

Remember how I began this post…I hide, and how everyone we meet is us. Marianne, for me, holds my desire to be a spiritual teacher. When I spoke with her in emails, it was important for me to level the playing field. To see her not as above me, but as my equal, and I came to her from this place. If I believe my desire is unreachable then how can I ever stand in its light. So, I kept at her in a sense. To let her, but mostly myself know I can engage with you. To meet her was even more powerful. To my desire, I said, I fear you. My heart pounds in your presence, but I am closer to you then I have ever been. And the dismissive response I perceived from Marianne, tells me I still reject my desire in some way. But…I walked toward her. I touched her shoulders. I looked in her eyes. I was open to her.

A message I received from her lecture on relationships is, the people who hold our lessons will continue to show up until we receive them. I remember someone saying, our soul wants our growth and expansion over anything else and it does not care what or who it uses to get us to grow. I understand there is still a part of me rejecting this aspect of myself, but I am closer to it than I have ever been. And if nothing else, my children are proud. My 10-year old who had no idea of the back story, who played on her ipod during the entire lecture, and watched from the sidelines during our exchange, said, to me, “Mom, I’m proud of you.” My 18 year old agreed and said I stood my ground. I see myself with two major roles in this life, neither separate from each other. The one role is as student. I am here to learn and grow and study the most interesting subject there is- self. The second role is mother. If nothing else ever came from this interesting series of events with a spiritual teacher, having my daughters witness their mother standing in her truth is more than enough. As mothers our strength invokes that spark in our children. I saw this spark ignited after the lecture, when we went out to eat. My Lilli, the 10-year old has been shy to order. When the waiter asked if she wanted another Sprite, she lifted her head, looked him in his eyes, and very clearly and loudly, said, “yes.”


The next morning, I woke up with a big smile on my face. Something resurrected. And something died. When I feel the foreboding as I move forward on my path, it is only old energy that does not know I am new. With each step, I am less afraid of who I am and all I am capable of. I live with the dream and desire inside of me to bring big smiles to myself and everyone, and as I do, I watch the part of me who dismisses her desires, walk away. I wish her well (and won’t give her a name this time) knowing I understand her and it’s okay. I trust one day she shall see. And in her wake I am left with me. Still present. Open. Embracing. I’ve nothing to fear. I know who I am. I’ve nothing to hide and I no longer want to.

Today’s Soul Tip:

Begin to see everyone as you. What are they showing you? Are you rejecting a part of yourself it is time you embrace? Are they showing you where you may need to go within and reflect, perhaps let go. Marianne said in her lecture the most important person is the one in front of you. That person is you. Are you going to give yourself, yourself and all that you are capable of? Your wishes and desires? Are you going to hold your head up and look yourself in the eye and say, yes? If you do, I promise you will grow a little bit taller and smile a little bit wider. 

I thank Marianne Williamson. I thank Natalie, the woman I met who invited me to the lecture. I thank Lana for inviting me to the documentary screening where I met Natalie. I thank my cousin Christopher for introducing me to Lana. I thank Linda for reminding me everyone is me. I thank me for showing up and seeing me. I thank my daughters for seeing and supporting my strength. Are you seeing the beauty…how the soul and the universe, if they are even separate conspire to support us- to bring synchronicity so our SOUL EXPANDS.  


The Soul Reporter