Category Archives: Fear

Do You Know Fear?

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Today’s Soul Report: Fear

Fear. Perhaps as great a mystery as love. As God.

A man approaches me, and asks me for a ride. Fear. A stray dog in the path I walk. Fear. Too much caffeine. Fear. Out of the blue. Fear. My only remedy: get present.

Notice the white butterfly on the path. In the dead of night when fear grips. Feel the cool sheets under my hand. Get present.

If you can control fear, you either dont know it or are an enlightened master. In my fear the sound of a small lizard in the grass sounds like a mountain lion waiting to prance. A man walking could be a rapist.

Do you know fear?

The water feels like a friend. I walk beside it. As I walk, I open up more fear. As I walk, it releases. As I walk, I open up more spirit. As I walk, it releases.

Whatever is your mystery, Fear, you’re a viable opponent.

***Words, which surfaced and photos I snapped during my walk today.

Nikki

What’s Going On…?

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I’m concerned. I’ve “met” a few people online. These people are kindred souls, or so it seems. We “like” each other’s updates. We may chat on line or email exchange. And then we might share a link or post an update or add a comment that shares our political or religious views/opinions- and then as they say, ‘the shit hits the fan.’

Example: I watched Fahrenheit 9-11 last week. I posted a comment about my experience of watching it again 10 years later, and a “friend” shared a link of a documentary that delved into another theory of 9-11, suggesting the government was behind 9-11 and there were bombs planted inside the towers. I had seen this before, and watched again with interest. After watching, I asked this “friend” why? Why would “they” want to do this? She posted another link about President Obama. I didn’ t finish the video, but what I gathered is he, like most presidents are puppets to coroporations, and specifically the Federal Reserve, which I have heard is privately owned.

During John Kerry’s democratic convention, a nice looking young man, named Barack Obama came onto the stage and lit my fire. He inspired forward a message of unity sitting stagnant inside of me and I said to myself, who is this guy? I like Barack. I always have. I believe he is a good man. I told my “friend” this, and also said that these political conversations don’t go anywhere because someone is usually trying to convince the other they are right.

She told me a good man wouldn’t have attended the church he did or married a woman who wrote some black supremacist diatribe against the “very culture who established the educational system she attended.” She went on to say I was blinded by my desire to have faith.  I told her that conspiracy theories, true or not are a distraction unless we are willing to revolt and take back our country. I told her I stand by my feeling about Barack and would admit I was wrong if he actually was the monster many portray him to be. I realized after I spent time bashing Bush, that I have no idea what it is like to be president, and therefore to judge the way the position is held is ignorant.

And this is where it got weird, and ugly. She brought up my decision to homeschool (in an eery throw it in my face sort of way) because of the faulty LA schools, she mentioned my husband, who is black. She told me all I do is contemplate my navel and asked, “What do you do for the world besides talk about yourself?” She then said she wouldn’t disclose any of the secrets (I guess) I told her because she is honest that way, and for now our paths will no longer cross. And then ended with the ever lovely, “Bless.” I was deleted from her Facebook friends and Twitter. Poof. Gone. See ya.

Here is why I am concerned. I have met others like this woman online and face-to-face in the past year or so. These people seem to spend a lot of time in isolation, in front of their computers. Here they explore these conspiracies and over time believe they are true. Also, the virtual friends they make allows them to fantasize about relationships that aren’t really real, except of course in their own mind. My projection of this woman in particular is she believed we were kindred spirits- that she had a friend in me, but as soon as I shared my own thoughts, which didn’t mesh with her own, she seemed to feel oddly betrayed and was done. And not only done, but threatened enough to attack in what she believed were vulnerable places for me.

You might say, who cares. But, while they might fear the government, I fear for them. The government and all the corruption that goes along with it, is an entity I choose not to focus on for the same reasons I am passionate about spirituality, but choose not to get involved with channeling and past lives and ghosts- it’s a distraction, and a can be a dangerous one.

Voltaire said, we must cultivate our own garden, so in a sense saying all I do is contemplate my navel and talk about myself is all I am supposed to do. It is really all I can do. It is all I know and want to know better. There isn’t enough looking within. There is too much looking out. This does not make one who does this naieve or selfish or unaware of the needs of others.  It makes one establish a solid foundation and from here discern what is empowering and useful and what isn’t, and the brighter, more abundant our gardens, the more there is to share. Back to our government-  I do not doubt there is terrible, ugly curroption within it. I am sure Barack is learning this first hand. But- right now I have no desire to start a revolt. I am still cultivating- and often sharing.

See, there is this law called karma and it happens with or without our saving or fearing the world. The darkness, secrets, lies are all being uncovered right now. It is why the world seems so dark at the moment. Karma is happening. I don’t have to read about conspiracies or get people on my side because what is happening inside the white house walls and corporate board rooms will take care of itself. As they ignorantly believe they are manipulating us, if that is what they are doing, they are merely only twisting tighter their own already tangled webs. Yes, some of us will and do get caught up in it and there are many who call out how unfair it is- but nothing is unfair. It’s karma. It’s what is, and we can look within and learn from what is happening or we can keep pointing the finger and believe our conspiracies and learn nothing, and abandon those who don’t get along with what we believe as Truth, therefore continuing to spread isolation, separateness, fear and ignorance- and from where I sit, the results are in.

In the past year, I have yet to get into a healthy debate or conversation with anyone. Instead I get deleted or ignored or attacked or leave myself, for the projections have gone too far.  I see posts and links and hear people being critical of the president. There is bitching because there was too much hype over Hurricane Irene. Suffering because there was not enough with Katrina. Truth, unity and freedom is discouraged and feared, even though we pride ourselves on encouraging them.

What’s going on….?

This cynicism, paranoia and intolerance is spreading like wildfire. I am reminded of my new dog, Olive. She is still a puppy- an Italian Mastiff. She is an anxious dog. Probably isolated before she came to us. Wasn’t around many other dogs or people. When we take her on walks, or when someone comes to the door, her hackles go up. Our trainer says this is not something we want because when she is anxious and her hackles are up she is more prone to be aggressive.

A Remedy…

There are a lot of people, it would seem whose hackles are up. Looking to be deceived. Abandoned. Betrayed. Look, and you will always find. I believe my “friend” thought I was naive. “Blinded” she said because of my need to have faith in a person (speaking of Barack). She asked, “What makes him good?” He has good in him as we all do. He has darkness too. We all do. There is a point of maturity, which happens if we cultivate our own garden, where we see the darkness in others, but we don’t fear it or condemn it or try and control it- we just notice it. We also Know in them is Perfection, something my dad has been saying to me lately. To not buy into “conspiracies” or “truths” does not mean we are stupid or naive. It means we don’t need to hang onto anything to feel right or secure or affirmed. It means we don’t take any of this so serisously we stamp people out for not agreeing with us. It means we keep our eye on the larger movement happening- that everything is bringing us deeper into our Perfection. As serious as it all is, it’s not that serious.

On the surface we see, feel and often become deeply entrenched in the chaos, but beneath the chaos is absolute perfect, divine order. Keeping at least one eye here, we do not need to argue or disagree or agree or resist or delete or do anything…at all. And in my case, I need not be concerned.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

An Ode (auhhh, maybe not an ode, but I like the title) to the Sigh

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My children say I sigh. Usually when I am in the kitchen. They make fun of me. Sigh behind my back and giggle.

What are you giggling about? Auhhh…..they say.

Do I sigh? Really? Do I?

Yes, mom. You sigh.

The kitchen at one time pleased me. This time has passed. Now I sigh (so I am told) as I wash the counter. Marinate a chicken breast. Clean a greasy pan. Make breakfast….again.

The sigh, the sound of the martyr. Auhhh. The sound of poor, distressed me. Universal, I suppose amongst many women. The sigh says, Save me from this. Take me away….I am a victim. And I certainly don’t want to be that person, right……?

Well, so what if you are that person in a moment (or several). So what if you are acting as The Sighing Martyr in your one-act play. Hating her moment. Resisting her work. Despising her routine. Bored and frustrated by her life. So what. I never wanted to be The Sighing Martyr. I hate people like that, right? Well I did. But of course me hating that part of them is also me hating that part of me- and hating something doesn’t clear the way. Loving might not either (if you force it), but laughing at it might.

I hear myself sighing now- and before my sigh’s hhh’s hit the air, I laugh. I think of my girls making fun of me, Auhhh-ing around the house (thinking, yeah- you just wait). I think of my inner martyr and how tortured she thinks she is, and how she wants to make everything a dramatic event. It’s funny. And it eases her.

What are you doing right now…………………………..? (Duh, your are reading this…Okay, before this….?)

Before I wrote this most inspired sentence, I was procrastinating. Trying to find a way out of my writing. Help me. Save me. (The martyr is quite adaptable. She can put on an apron and pick up a pen- in this case throw the pen) I watched me act her out, as together we have procrastinated many times. I usually judge myself/her/we for this. This time I didn’t. I loved myself/her/we for it (and I didn’t force it).

I love you for all that you do (and don’t do)– can you say this to yourself? If not, can you at least laugh at yourself?

When we can laugh and love, we take the u out of auhhh and it becomes ahhhh. The u is what gets offended. The u is who carries a story of what you u think u are. What u think u should do. Of what u hate and hope u are not. You are more than what u think/fear/believe.

Ahhhhhhhh…………………..

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

The Guru Teaches Arrogance- A Tough Lesson

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Today’s Soul Report:

For awhile something was gnawing at me. Something big, but not big enough for me to see. A shadow, where every time I tried to turn around and see it, it would be behind me again. It wasn’t until I decided to get real honest with my journal and get real drill sergeant like and demand I see, declaring my readiness to see it- that I did. But first, I had to invite an experience into my life so I could see what it was that had been eluding me.

Arrogance runs deep

The culprit- arrogance. Arrogance runs deep, and comes out in many subtle ways, often barely noticeable, but since working with my own, I see it more clearly and see how subtle and deep this trait goes. It is destructive in its ability to separate and leave the other or others isolated, and it is sly, like a fox. It keeps weaving in and out so we don’t see it operating in its myriad ways.

Here are examples of some of those ways:

The experience I invited into my life was a conversation I never quite felt got finished with Marianne Williamson. I wrote a blog, and in this blog, I was sharing my experience with my inner perfectionist- how she talked to me, what she demanded of me- and I addressed her as Sergeant Williamson, seeing her as a combination of a spiritual teacher (I picked Marianne Williamson) and a drill sergeant. No harm done, at least not in my mind. I picked MW because she is a woman. I almost picked Wayne Dyer, but he’s a man and I wanted to make it relatable for me so I could work with this part of me that was making my life confused, miserable and inauthentic.

Ms. Williamson was adamant I was being catty. That I was harsh, and somehow she must have offended me or I would not speak so badly of her. Well, in my arrogance, perhaps a bit of courage, and the desire to take full advantage of an interesting opportunity to stretch, I tried to make spiritual teacher extraordinaire understand I was NOT talking about her. I wanted to have an effect on her evolution, and also really wanted her to let go of this story because it was not true, at least as I wrote it, so to move this further, I stood face to face with her after one of her Monday night lectures, something I would not have thought about if it had not been for one of her adoring fans telling me I must. I must talk to her. “It would be fun. We can go together,” she said. So I went, and the adoring fan never texted me back. The face-to-face exchange with Marianne was just as it was through Twitter, which is where she first contacted me and email, where she contacted me again.

There was no getting through to Marianne. She just would not get that I was not talking about her, and looked at me quizzically when I told her my process (naming it) of outing one of my parts that creates dysfunction in my life. I guess I was naive. I guess I thought I could have a conversation with someone who talks about God, love and forgiveness with some openess. Well after this meeting, I felt pretty good. Empowered. I stood my ground because I can’t nod my head with something I know isnt’ true. And I thought that opportunity had run its course.

Until…

A few days ago. My husband is a fan of her page and made a comment. Being curious I went to her page to see what he said. I don’t even know what he said, but I ran across a comment from her- “People can translate for themselves, and I appreciate those who don’t project all kinds of stuff onto my words that I didn’t say:)” I couldn’t help myself- and I told her “I know how you feel.” She responded, and said she would try and remember that, and also wondered why she (meaning me) is so intent on attacking her all of the time.

From here, a two day conversation began. Not with Marianne. We never heard from her again, but with some of her most loyal fans. In this exchange I saw many different and subtle aspects of arrogance, so much so it brought out my own- mostly in the form of the rebel who is going to call your shit out as I saw it. What I saw are some of the signposts I view as arrogant:

Subtly number one: People telling us their title, and we didn’t ask. Example, I am a psychologist. A doctor. A filmmaker. From said psychologist, I was told that I wasn’t in a very creative and intuitive place when I picked out the name Sergeant Williamson and if I were I would have not picked out Marianne’s name or Wayne’s. Which, brings me to…

Subtly number two: Giving advice when we didn’t ask. The ancients taught, do not teach unless asked. I didn’t ask for this woman’s advice about my writing (or Marianne’s when she told me she had been doing what she does for 20+ years and should really watch what I write). She was not at my writing desk as I wrote that post, and actually, the moment MW and the drill sergeant merged was one of brilliance that only happens when in the creative space.

Subtly number three: When people say “Been there. Done that.” I tend to be honest about how I feel and what I think and where I am in my evolutionary process. This said, I leave myself open for people to give me a lot of, “been there, done thats,” (and that advice I didn’t ask for) Oh, I used to compare myself to others; (which was said and assumed by a loyal follower from this exchange). Oh, I used to care what people thought of me; Oh, I used to be afraid but now I am not- “Been there. Done that.” Great. Super. Is that helpful though? Or does it increase their superiority and cause further isolation? Why say it, other than to prove you no longer struggle, to let us all know what step you aren’t on in your evolution. And if you are so over your stuff, can I now ask you for your advice because I want to be over mine too?

Subtly Number Four: It’s my way or the dumb-way. This exchange had me pretty much hating new agey, spiritual mumbo jumbo, and I used to be kind of into it, but I think I may have been into it because it was the only thing I thought was there that sort of got me. But, most of it isn’t deep enough. It’s too much about the end result- where we are all singing Kumbaya, and not enough about what it takes to get there or gives space for those who aren’t. For me if I am not authentically feeling it, I am not going to preach about it. And for me the only way I can authentically feel it, means I have to dig within myself and find all the obsrtuctions to my authentic joy. Have I had those moments? Yes. I think so. But I’m not done. I can’t speak on the eternal, authentic anything because my focus is to know thyself, or as Volatire says, to culitivate our own garden and this is ongoing, a process. But see, I’ve been arrogant about all of this. My way is the way, preaching my anthem of- please don’t waste your time preaching and pretending all this love and joy when you have so much darkness inside, that is being projected all over the place, that you aren’t owning. As much as I would like it to be everyone’s anthem and deal with stuff, I can only own it for myself. It is what works for me. If others want what I have in my garden, I will share, but the last few years, I’ve been lost in my own arrogance; my attachment to other’s evolution and feeling the pressure to help it along as if this is my duty, my “calling,” more than tending what I used to tend best- my own garden. And yet, I wasn’t out there enough pushing that either, to get people to go my way or the dumb way, which brings me to this lesson:

The fear of arrogance also runs deep.

My husband said recently, if I want to get my teachings, words, writing- basically myself “out there,” I am going to have to find my swag. Be a little cocky even. Oh, God no- how I could I? I resist being arrogant like that. There has to be another way….I would imagine most who are out there, had some swag/arrogance- or perhps a whole lot. Even Gandhi had swag in his own way. He put himself out there and was devoted to what he believed in. So, probably not too much wrong with some swag. But I was afraid of using it and how it might make me look. The fear of being arrogant was a bigger culprit, it would seem, and it wasn’t helping me not be arrogant. It was making me blind to it. We often become what we fear, and our not looking at what we fear doesn’t make it less dangerous or real.

Conclusion:

I invited Marianne, along with some of her loyal fans, into my life to be mirrors of my own arrogance, and my fear of it. To bring out what was gnawing at me, so I could see it and name it, which is only the tip of the arrogance ice berg, and..

Therefore…

The lesson in arrogance will continue…

Today’s Soul Tip:

Seeing and naming what is deep within is only the beginning. This battle/learning opportunity is not over. It is on-going until I get all the way through it. What I have learned though so far is it is important for me to call out the arrogance. To understand it is a fierce opponent. The fear of it, worse. I don’t have to fear my arrogance, therefore I may begin exposing it, playing with it, at the risk of looking more arrogant than ever before. But I am not ready to own my pure humility, and my rebel certainly isn’t going to fake it.

There is more to the story- and if my focus is to cultivate my own garden, and everything in it, then the story will continue to unfold, and I believe it might have something to do with courage. I hope you will stay tuned…

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter


Investigating (with slight irritation) Certain Spiritual Teachings

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Teaching up for investigation: “It’s not up to you what you learn, but only whether you learn through joy or through pain.” ~A Course in Miracles

Upfront disclaimer: If you hear a charge in this post, you are right on. I’m irritated with certain spiritual teachings (I’ll get through it, but right now I am learning in a slightly painful way). I think some teachings are only useful in keeping us away from the real work, which in the long term is not useful. This one (above) for example has those markings. So, let’s investigate- if I believe in this teaching, that would mean I have no possibility of insight into my lessons. There is some being somewhere in charge of what I need to learn. It would also mean that I have a choice whether I learn through joy or through pain. I would agree, we have choice- and if I am using my strong will, I can will myself to choose to learn through joy, instead of pain. I mean who the hell really wants to learn through pain…..?

But, can we be honest? I can’t be the only one who has learned a lot of my lessons through intense amounts of pain. Pain, I was so immersed in I didn’t have the will power to choose joy, to even think that was an option. Does this then make me weak? Insufficient because I chose to suffer instead of jump to those lessons with glee?

To learn in joy is a certain kind of mastery I don’t believe I could even talk much about (I don’t like to talk about ideas without having personal experience). I’m not there. I think it’s possible for those who have worked diligently and intently on their path, and gone through lots of pain, but for most of us common folk, still ignorant to our True nature, this type of spiritual teaching might not be helpful. It keeps us in the superficial layer of our spiritual growth, where we think we can control how we feel by will alone. And where some of us who have gone a bit deeper than the superficial layers might feel bad because we aren’t choosing our lessons through joy. There were many times, as much as I was inspired by Wayne Dyer’s teachings, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t all happy, happy, joy, joy and maintaing my spiritual perspective through my shit, my hand on the trolley strap, so to speak.

To go back to this teaching that it is not up to us what we learn- this makes me feel disempowered. I know there is a soul, and I know contained within this soul are my lessons. I believe these lessons are universal, and we will all learn them as we are ready, which means we are the ones who choose to receive those lessons or to put them off. I also know we are given the extraordinary gift of insight, which can be used to look within and have knowledge into our lessons. I also trust, as we evolve into this soul, we will be able facilitate and consciously prepare and participate in those lessons. We may not know how those lessons will come to us, but we can know they are coming and will remain open and ready to receive. This may be the point in which there is joy- a sort of anticipatory joy, like YAY! Today I am going to be stretched and I can’t wait because I want to grow. But so many of us are unaware of this going on inside of us so how can we consciously participate, let alone joyously (therefore not knowing might be a more comfortable belief for those wanting to stay safe on the shore). This means the lessons that do come are probably going to hurt like hell because we don’t know what is going on or why and we are resisting them all the way.

Looking for the positive:

What this spiritual lesson does do is bring awareness that there are lessons we will learn and are learning. That is essential to know. It gives perspective. It also brings awareness to choice of joy or pain, but it doesn’t go deep or wide or guide enough to where many of us are right now in our evolution- not where we can choose joy in a pure authentic way while we grow (but we can pretend :-). Having only read bits and pieces of ACIM, maybe it does do this throughout the book. What I did read, the words inspired higher aspects, but it wasn’t very grounding for me. I am not content only with ideals. I want to be those ideals, and that is quite a process of unraveling and discovering. It’s work. Often painful- just being honest.

Lesson: The most helpful teaching/teacher for me inspires my true nature, while also holding the space of where I am with insight, guidance and compassion. 

Toss It

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A Pile of O's

Today’s Inspired Homemaking Report: Information Clutter

I was saving these O Magazines until the day I had an article published in one. Then, my daughter said, “Mom, why don’t you just save the ones you are published in.” Good idea, kid. And we moved to California- so I took my pile of O’s, along with my attachment to them, and donated them to a battered woman’s shelter. Now, I read my O and into recycling it goes.

When I taught classes on clutter, the biggest gripe was paper clutter. Mail. Bills. And piles of magazine and newspaper clippings, with the mental attachment title of “someday.” Someday, when I have time I want to read that 1975 article on how to knit a poncho. Why….?

Toss it. Here are the reasons I believe we accumulate information clutter:

~We believe we are dumb. Not smart enough. Why? School. Sure, some teachers knew the wise souls we are, and awakened and facilitated that part of us, but many others looked down on us in our tiny little desks and talked to us like we were nothing- blank slates needing to be filled with the knowledge only they could give.

Now we are all grown up physically, but mentally still think we are vacant containers needing filling. This is why all the experts do so well. We need them. Some of the information out there is wonderful-and needed. Look at me. My information is useful and wonderful, right? So I am not dissing on this. But- I want us to be clear on the why we are seeking the information. What is the intent? What filter is bringing this new information in?

~Distraction. Are we a little addicted to keeping our mind busy? Do we not like space? Time to just be with ourselves?

~Fear & Lack. If I don’t read this, I won’t know it. I want to look smart. I want to fix my flaws. I want to prove I’m okay.

~Superstitios. We believe if we save magazines, someday we will get published in them. Okay maybe that’s just me.

Here is my tip to help clear out the information clutter….

Inspired Homemaking Tip of the Day:

Get clear about your intention. If it captivates your curiosity- read it. If it resonates, it will stick and surface when needed. If you are only reading it out of fear and lack of not knowing something or to keep up with others or sitting alone with yourself with nothing to read or think about freaks you out- toss it. 

>A Year Oldie, But Goodie: A Repost- My Break-Up Letter With Fear

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>Dear Fear,

It is now 2010, and I say to you- Enough! I see what you’ve been allowed to do, and you have taken enough from me.

We’ve had a long relationship, you and I. I’ve known you as long as I can remember, although I don’t believe I’ve known your name, or your true power, until recently.

I guess since, I wasn’t having daily panic attacks, as I once did years ago, I thought I had you conquered. “Fear,” I’d say to people, “I am not afraid.”

It seemed you stepped up your game. You went into disguise and I could no longer feel you, or see you. But, now, I see you were there this whole time.

You tell me I am not loved. You tell me I am not worthy. You tell me I am not needed. You tell me people betray, and use. You tell me not to trust, and I believe you, for life has shown me you might be right. And because I believe you, life keeps showing me.

I ask, what do you want from me? Why do you want me? Are you only here to teach, are are you here to hurt, and destroy?

To you, I say you’ve hurt me enough. You have destroyed enough. Now, I want to learn from you, for now I respect you. I see your power. I see what you can do. I use to think only addiction could destroy a home, but what else is behind addiction, but you?

As I sit here to say, good-bye to you, I wonder what I will do without you. I can’t say that I know, for even right now, I hear you saying, “You can’t leave. There’s nothing else left for you. You don’t know what to do. Or who you are. You don’t know which voice is true- since you let me inside of you.”

And fear, you’re right. I don’t. I capsized into you. I’ve become your master, and you sink the ship. But you are not going to kill me. I see that you’ve tried. So again, I say enough.

I see that even having a conversation with you, is room enough for you to enter. I see your persistence. Your strength. You want to dominate me. Or perhaps it is me who wants you to dominate me. Every which way I turn to look at the sinking of the ship, I see you in all your disguises, and faces.

You truly have dominated me. I will give you that. To do so, you must really know that I am strong. That I am going places. Well, I am still going, and you aren’t going to stop me. I’ve already allowed you to stop me from being. To stop me from living. To stop me from loving. You’ve even obscured my path to my Essence, my Truth. You’ve even obscured my sight so I could not see who loves me, let alone feel their love. You’ve told me I do not love. That I am not lovable. You’ve done enough. You have simply done enough.

Now, will you go? I don’t know, but what I do know is you’ve been found. Will you leave for awhile, and return even more heavily disguised, like the step mother who kept upping her plan to entrap the purity and essence of Snow White?

I expect you to return, for I know my time here is not complete. But, for now you must go, and for the next round you better make it good, because I am about to make it great.

Namaste,
The Soul Reporter

>My Break-Up Letter with Fear

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>Dear Fear,

It is now 2010, and I say to you- Enough! I see what you’ve been allowed to do, and you have taken enough from me.
We’ve had a long relationship, you and I. I’ve known you as long as I can remember, although I don’t believe I’ve known your name, or your true power, until recently.
I guess since, I wasn’t having daily panic attacks, as I once did years ago, I thought I had you conquered. “Fear,” I’d say to people, “I am not afraid.”
It seemed you stepped up your game. You went into disguise and I could no longer feel you, or see you. But, now, I see you were there this whole time.
You tell me I am not loved. You tell me I am not worthy. You tell me I am not needed. You tell me people betray, and use. You tell me not to trust, and I believe you, for life has shown me you might be right. And because I believe you, life keeps showing me.
I ask, what do you want from me? Why do you want me? Are you only here to teach, are are you here to hurt, and destroy?
To you, I say you’ve hurt me enough. You have destroyed enough. Now, I want to learn from you, for now I respect you. I see your power. I see what you can do. I use to think only addiction could destroy a home, but what else is behind addiction, but you?
As I sit here to say, good-bye to you, I wonder what I will do without you. I can’t say that I know, for even right now, I hear you saying, “You can’t leave. There’s nothing else left for you. You don’t know what to do. Or who you are. You don’t know which voice is true- since you let me inside of you.”
And fear, you’re right. I don’t. I capsized into you. I’ve become your master, and you sink the ship. But you are not going to kill me. I see that you’ve tried. So again, I say enough.
I see that even having a conversation with you, is room enough for you to enter. I see your persistence. Your strength. You want to dominate me. Or perhaps it is me who wants you to dominate me. Every which way I turn to look at the sinking of the ship, I see you in all your disguises, and faces.
You truly have dominated me. I will give you that. To do so, you must really know that I am strong. That I am going places. Well, I am still going, and you aren’t going to stop me. I’ve already allowed you to stop me from being. To stop me from living. To stop me from loving. You’ve even obscured my path to my Essence, my Truth. You’ve even obscured my sight so I could not see who loves me, let alone feel their love. You’ve told me I do not love. That I am not lovable. You’ve done enough. You have simply done enough.
Now, will you go? I don’t know, but what I do know is you’ve been found. Will you leave for awhile, and return even more heavily disguised, like the step mother who kept upping her plan to entrap the purity and essence of Snow White?
I expect you to return, for I know my time here is not complete. But, for now you must go, and for the next round you better make it good, because I am about to make it great.
Namaste,
The Soul Reporter

>It is Simply Kismet (Part II)

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“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strong pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

From out of the blue, the word “kismet” sprang to my mind. For quite some time I have been meaning to write a blog on destiny. It was to be a part II of a Part I, I wrote back in June about failure. In that post I suggested that destiny is the antidote to failure. However, when I first began writing it, I thought the antidote would be discipline. Now, almost 6 months later, I see it is both, and that now is the time to write part II. It is simply kismet.

Looking at the two “D” words, discipline and destiny, I am sure it is safe to say we tend to like destiny over discipline, right? Destiny, as defined in the dictionary is: the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future • the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate. Destiny is mysterious, miraculous and seems to just happen to us out of the blue. Discipline, however is something we must initiate and do. It’s work.

The definition is: to train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way. Words like controlled, habitual and train will make a person like me want to run for the hills, and not my dad’s spartan hills either (you will have to read Part I to see what I am talking about). Yet, there is no telling what my destiny might have been had I continued to run those hills. This is why we can’t have destiny (and when I say destiny here, I mean the greater destiny which is possible for us) without the discipline. Let me give you an example.

In O Magazine, the April issue, there is an article about Barack Obama, and others like him who they define as conscientious people. Of the characterisitics of conscientious people, being self-disciplined is one. They give an example of Barack Obama when he was in college. He used to be the “cool” guy, but a friend told him he was becoming a bore. He had begun to concentrate on his studies, he was running three miles a day, fasting on Sundays and he quit smoking pot. This took amazing self-discipline, and in case you didn’t know- look what seat he now holds. It is simply kismet, this man is now our President. And why? Because he committed to certain disciplines to initiate his greater destiny.

But how? How can we warm up to self-discipline and commit to behaviors that we know will enhance our lives, and state of being, and initiate our greater destiny? For me, I can share in order to commit, I must connect. Example- I have been living gluten and dairy free (not absolutely every meal, everyday, but pretty darn close) for 6 months. This commitment seemed to have come from out of the blue, but in fact I was struggling with my diet, health and weight for a long, long time trying new behaviors here and there. The connection for me was feeling good, realizing how bad I was feeling. Hormonally, I was off. My weight was up. I felt heavy, bloated, and foggy in my head. Not to mention I have a deep desire to grow old as gracefully and healthy as I can.

So when a nutritionist suggested I give up gluten and dairy, it was simply kismet. I was willing to learn more, and the more I learned, the more inspired I became. The better I felt, the more committed I became. Now, my weight is coming off. I feel better, and my hormones are leveling.

When we connect to a greater pursuit, like for me to feel better, balancing hormonally, and growing old gracefully, a higher force takes over, and commitment to do whatever it takes begins to move us. This is why willpower alone doesn’t work. We can will ourselves to change, and do better, but somehow we “fail.”

To me willpower is based in fear, where we are moving from a space of failure, which says I am not good enough. Something is lacking. Something needs to be fixed, so I must push and will a set of behaviors, which will produce an outcome that will show the world, and myself I am okay. This kind of behavior may bring results, but not long standing ones. And probably not ones, which will lead us to our greater destiny.

Discipline, however (again, for me) is more Self-directed. It comes from a conscious place where we are choosing to commit to behaviors, trusting in the outcome, which will perhaps lead us to our greater destiny. Being disciplined in this way allows for the steps to appear and the pieces to fall into place. It is a type of conscious commitment we make everyday because we know there is something more inside of us to bring out.

This greater destiny to bring out, is at our core- and as the definition of destiny states, is a hidden power. This hidden power hides under fear, and until we excavate the fears, life will be much harder. In the example above of Barack Obama, it wasn’t until he committed to the behaviors which, would move him to greater heights, did he move into his greater destiny of being President Barack Obama. And it was also his destiny to be the “cool” guy smoking pot, and whatever else he did before making the shift. There is always a story before we come to realize our greater destiny. Reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz:

DOROTHY
Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?

GLINDA
You don’t need to be helped any longer.
You’ve always had the power to go back to
Kansas.

DOROTHY
I have?

SCARECROW
Then why didn’t you tell her before?

GLINDA
Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She
had to learn it for herself.

TIN MAN
What have you learned, Dorothy?

DOROTHY
Well, I — I think that it — that it
wasn’t enough just to want to see Uncle
Henry and Auntie Em — and it’s that — if
I ever go looking for my heart’s desire
again, I won’t look any further than my own
backyard. Because if it isn’t there, I
never really lost it to begin with! Is
that right?

GLINDA
That’s all it is!

SCARECROW
But that’s so easy! I should have thought
of it for you.

TIN MAN
I should have felt it in my heart.

GLINDA
No. She had to find it out for herself.
Now, those magic slippers will take you
home in two seconds!

Dorothy always had the hidden power to go home. If we never knew Barack Obama, he would still hold the power to be President. And they, like we, must learn for ourselves by going through our own land of oz, where we meet lions, and witches, and fierce little monkeys along the way, who challenge and show us our fears and our strengths. It is all simply kismet, and doesn’t it make you wonder what hidden kismet you hold inside of you?


“From the emptiness comes forth your dream, through the power of clear intention, through the wisdom of equanimity and compassion, through right action that builds and brings things to clear conclusion. These three building fires exist within each of us, as spirals of energy ever moving, ever bringing forth the fruits of intention and desire.” ~Dhyani Ywahoo

We may fear the emptiness within ourselves. But this is only because we don’t yet know ourselves in deeper ways. We may resist this knowing because unconsciously we may believe our true essence is of nothing but failure and corruption- or as some of us were told in our religions, original sin. And because of this, for a long, long time we may move from this place, instead of digging deeper where our true intention/destiny lies.

Moving from intention, means we are in a state of being, rather than doing. If our doing is based in fears and insecurities, our movement will be rigid, tight, and controlled. If we are moving from destiny/a state of being, our movements will be the opposite. We will flow, and trust, like a river. Within this river we will continue to brush up against rocks and branches, that will show us our fears and strengths, but at each bend we will become stronger. Wiser. And find the favor of grace. Grace is the water in which we flow within our destiny.

This flowing river is our destination. Everything is born from this space.
It is God’s womb.

I lived the first part of my life thinking there was something wrong with me, that something was missing. The Perfectionist came in to cure my ills, and put order to my chaos. She rearranged my life so it would be just right. She is useful, no doubt, and has skills which are true. However, in light of the revelation that failure is not at the core of her being, she can choose to be free. Unleashed. Bound by nothing but her own pure and simple truth, which says all is well. Nothing is broken.

My conclusion of all past and future kismet- I am perfectly flawed, therefore I will be moved closer and closer to my greater destiny.

What is real and authentic lingers forever and ever. Anything else will dissolve. The journey is about becoming more conscious, so we can co-create the lives of our higher calling. Therefore, it is up to us to choose from where we are going to move while we here on earth.

Namaste,
The Soul Reporter









>The Cavern

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>There’s a fear here I do not understand.

It is deep, and small.
Alive.
I’ve been flirting with the entrance
thinking it no big deal.
But I’ve entered and
It is.
I can function, yes.
But there is no deep and concentrated joy.
Just life around, which I cannot enter in
To.
The activity tantalizes and beckons.
But the fear keeps me still. Hidden.
Un-alive.
We all wrestle with monsters.
This is mine.
Your opportunity will come too.
Will you know what to do?