I’m Mad, I Tell You- Mad.

At any point in my evolution I could have stopped and made a name for myself. Marketed an insight or a practice that worked in a moment, and made lots of money and acquired fame. But I have not done this (I have wished I could do this). I have kept on moving. I suppose in doing so, I have missed many opportunities, but the one I have not missed is the continuos evolution of my soul on this planet.

It occurs to me often, that before coming here, although I have no conscious remembrance of this, I declared my commitment to this soul path of continuous participation in my evolution, and yet I have tried to stop my own progress. I have tried because I also feel the vibration on the planet. A vibration of consistency I thought I needed to obey.

Consistency: conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness • the achievement of a level of performance that does not vary greatly in quality over time

Our culture likes consistency. Let’s not vary. We view this as stable. Smart. Accurate. Right. Successful. Someone who is not consistent, we call them a flip-flopper. Crazy. Irrational. Undependable. Untrustworthy. Weird. But, I like what Rumi has to say:

Conventional knowledge is death to our souls, And it is not really ours.  It is laid on. Yet we keep saying we find “rest” in these “beliefs.” We must become ignorant of what we have been taught and instead bewildered.

But we look dumb, don’t we if we are bewildered (definition: perplexed- confused)? We need to have a plan. An outcome. We have to figure it out. Look smart. Productive. Look like we have it together. Of course we do. And why? Because we want something to rest on. To put our wobbly legs on so we feel as though we have some control. Because we care what “they” think.

Tell me Rumi, what’s another option:

Forget safety. Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on, I’ll be mad.

I’m pretty sure he means crazy mad, not angry mad, but hey if you fear anger, you might want to move into it. Chances are its got you anyway.

Every moment says, put this design in your carpet. (Rumi)

And we try, don’t we? Oh, this is a beautiful design– and we market it and make rituals of it and books out of it. We want to make it last. But many designs are to be made. We have a large piece of carpet. Larger than most of us can begin to imagine. I am not saying we should not make manifest what in a moment is a beautiful design, but there is plenty more, so no need to hold on and try and stay.

Everything is energy. We are energy, and because we don’t Know this basic idea, we believe everything is solid and we think what is solid and consistent is what is real and better. We constantly take what is given and solidify it. Concrete it in. Make it last. But, this is at the risk of holding our continuous evolution at bay.

I have done this with myself trying to be normal. Trying to make a living off of what I learned, and look like all the other successful writers, coaches, teachers, gurus out there. And trying to subdue all of the activity and anxiety I have going on inside of me. So many energies contradicting themselves. I try to reign it all in- for the sake of my husband, who says I am always changing, for the sake of others and their judgment, and for the sake of myself who has felt overwhelmed by all that is going on inside of me.

But the overwhelm is only felt because I have tried to control all of this. I have tried to be consistent.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)  ~Walt Whitman

Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

These greats, with these words allowed the flow, the continuous rhythm, the force which has us grow and evolve. And yet, with these words we also see the conflict. Just the mere fact they wrote this and that I am writing this, shows there is conflict- like, is this okay to be inconsistent? To be seen as contradictory? We question because many of us were not, and feel we are not allowed to be ALL of who we are. There are limits, right?

NO. There are not. A large carpet, remember? Many designs, don’t forget. All here for us.

Through my writing and sharing, and continuous evolution, I am coming into my rhythm. It’s dynamic. Not one-sided. Certainly not consistent, but there is a Core of Consistency, which spins inside of me- a Truth. Or a Power. Or an Intelligence. Something I don’t have to name, but can just feel, sense, Know- and because It is there, I can be free to roam. To wander. To allow all that is me the freedom to flow, continuously.

>The Man Behind the Counter


There are moments when we see how delicately and masterfully we are weaved together. Moments where we leave our “everyday” consciousness and move into a space of keen observation where we access a greater understanding and opportunity to support the environment we are in.  These moments can happen in the most mundane of places.

I had one of these moments at the dollar store down the street from my house. My daughter wanted a new diary. I needed paper towels and a new dish scrubber. We found everything but the perfect diary, which can be difficult at a dollar store. At the check out, an elderly woman purchased three bags of items. She moved slow. Her speech was soft, and I could tell the cashier had little patience for her elderly ways. Before she could pick up her three bags full of dollar store goodies, the cashier began ringing up my items, and put my bag next to hers.  To me, he was open and friendly, asking how I am doing, and telling me to have a nice day.

Confused, she asked, “Sir, how am I to know which bags are mine?” He barely looked at her, and said, “I don’t know.”

“Here,” I said, “I will take my bag so you know which ones are yours.”

She began to put her bags in a cart, and asked, “Can I take this cart to my car? My husband is just outside waiting for me.”

The cart had one of those silly long poles attached to it. An ornament I’ve only seen here in California. It prevents people from getting them out the door.

Clearly frustrated with her and probably wishing she’d just leave, he gave a quick,”No.”

“Well, how do they expect me to take all my things to my car?”

“I’ll ask someone to help you,” but he didn’t.

What was going on with this young man? Why is he so bothered by her? His double chin hung down his neck. His large stomach heaved as he struggled for breath. He’s working at a dollar store. He’s probably not happy and he looks uncomfortable. Maybe he has issues with his grandmother. Or maybe she just died. Whatever the issue is with him, I observe how she looks at him when he speaks to her. She is too polite to cause a fuss, but she notices, and I sense his reaction penetrates deeply, as if she gets this response all the time.

I said, “I can help you.”

She looked at my daughter and the one bag in my hand, and answered as I know my grandma would, “You have enough to deal with. I will wait for help.”

I did not want to force my assistance, but I also did not want to accept her refusal. I waited by the exit to see if she would figure it out, or for the cashier to get her help. She started to move toward the door and I saw her husband in the handicap spot, waiting for her with his eyes closed.

I grabbed her three bags, and said, “I will help you.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.”

I opened the door and put the bags in the back seat. As she got in her car, I saw the woman who was behind me in the check out line watching us, along with Lilli, my daughter. “Mom,” she said, “That was really nice. Why did you help her?”

I told her I didn’t like the way the man at the store was treating her and it was a reminder that someday, we all will have bodies that move slow and have speech that is soft, and we will need help and we will want to be treated kindly.

That night, I watched an Oprah episode. They talked about the chemicals in our bodies changing when we witness an act of kindness. I knew my daughter and this unknown woman experienced a change in their cells. The act was simple. Not a big deal for me to do. But….

What was a big deal, were my thoughts of the man behind the counter. I wasn’t angry or disgusted with him. I did not judge him. I noticed him and wondered what his pain was. In this space, I did not attack or scold. Instead I put my attention on what mattered most at that moment- diffusing and balancing the negative energy being projected at this elderly woman, who thought she was only going out for a few essentials at the dollar store. I thought the same thing.

Today’s Soul Tip:

A new way of being is breaking through for me. Where there was judgment there is now wonder and observation. Where there once was a reaction from that place of judgment, there is now a response to diffuse and restore balance. 

Everywhere are opportunities for us to observe and respond in more conscious and less judgmental ways. Moments where we can truly support each other, and in doing so we affect not only ourselves and those we assist, but those around us who are watching. It literally changes the environment.  As they say, BE THE CHANGE you seek. 


The Soul Reporter



The experience: I had been feeling connected, alive and in love. Then I wasn’t. I went for a walk in the canyon and wondered what shifted. The night before I watched the movie, Black Swan. From the instant Natalie appeared on screen, I attached to her- opening me to her experiences and if anyone has watched Black Swan you know I was in for a dark, traumatic ride with her.

By the end of the movie, well actually toward the middle, I was STRESSED out. My daughter asked if I could at least appreciate the art of the movie. NO. I cannot see or feel anything beyond Natalie’s character. My bodily response was what it always is to stress, tense up, tighten up and disconnect. It’s like hey, there is something fucked up going on here, and I’m out. My mind doesn’t really know if I am actually going through it or not, or does it care, but…

I care. I wanted to feel connected again, especially as I walked in the canyon. Connection feels so good, and when I asked what shifted and I realized, I had ABSORBED the movie into my being, enough to cause stress, which made me vacate my body- then I knew I could easily connect again. Suddenly I heard the birds sing, the stream of water rushing and I could SEE the green trees and the blue sky.

The teaching: We absorb so much- music, movies, planetary changes, environmental shifts, other people’s energy and our own shifts and changes. We also absorb society’s beliefs, our family’s beliefs, the institution’s beliefs. Many of us are immersed in what we were taught as children. According to Bruce Lipton, most of our feelings and behaviors happen through our unconscious, which was programmed into us between the ages of 0-6. It is no wonder then we are feel so disconnected from our bodies, our souls, nature, and why we can’t feel much- of anything.

The most basic truth we need to understand about ourselves is, we are energy. We feel it. We absorb it. We are it. The other day, I shook our new neighbor’s hand. Immediately, I thought, this woman is intense. When I went home, and started to cook dinner, I was “off. “Once I realized I probably absorbed her energy, it released, and I was back to a more balanced state. When I massage my husband’s neck, I feel his anxiety and his tension. Sometimes I even begin to experience the pain he is. In order to balance myself, my body begins to yawn. It is the craziest thing, but somehow it works.

For a long time I think I have feared this transfer of energy. I’ve isolated myself because of it. I’ve had breakdowns because of an overload. Now I am learning to become curious of it. The more curious I am, the less I fear it and take it personal, the quicker I am able to move through the varying energies that seem to “disturb” my own.

Today’s Soul Tip:

Do you notice a transfer of energy? How? Are there strategies you use to keep your energetic space clear?  It is good practice to notice energy, and how we are connected, and to adopt the idea we are indeed energetic beings. 

>In the S P A C E


Everything in the universe has a rhythm. Everything dances. ~Maya Angelou

I am always amazed, if given the space, I return to my natural rhythm. Today (Friday), I have the day off from my job as Special Education Assistant. Immediately after returning home from dropping my children off at school, I created a breakfast, which expressed a balanced and healthy rhythm.

Then I grabbed a glass I never use and poured fresh water, dropping in a fresh, sweet, Meyer lemon.
I went to my altar space to meditate.
And headed to the studio above my garage to write, create, file and play.
For lunch, I sauteed Bok Choy and mushrooms.
And went for a walk in the woods by my house, stopping for a moment to listen to the birds.
I realize I need these moments of s p a c e, more than I often realize. What causes the greatest unease in my world is ingesting the out of balance and out of sync rhythm of our current society. The energy is frantic, sometimes lazy. It’s un-enthused. Un-energetic. Dull. Complacent. Chaotic. Scared. Filled with melancholy. It’s fast. Scattered. Lost. Isolating. And constant, with little rest or relief from it all. And, unfortunately, this way of being is unconscious to most of us.
We sense in a certain way something isn’t right, but can’t quite put our finger on it. For how could we- there’s no time. No space, for inner-self-reflection. But there is a rhythm, I assure you, past the chaos, confusion, and melancholy; a rhythm that refreshes and restores.
I share this short photo essay with you today as a reminder of the beauty, simplicity and wonder that is us- that is our rhythm when we allow space into our moments- to just be. To simply allow. No agendas. No schedules. Just be me time, remembering what is feels like to just live for own inner happiness.
The Soul (s p a c e) Reporter