Are You Having An Affair With WANT?

Today’s Soul Report: WANT

Giving up want brings us home.

I had an affair with want. It didn’t last long, but long enough to do damage, and enough to learn A LOT. In truth, the affair may not be completely over. But, today I caught a glimpse, a rather extended glimpse of what happens when the affair is over.

Giving up want brings us home. 

This past week, I have been catching glimpses of my home in Minnesota- streets and neighborhoods, favorite places I’d visit, and homes I’d lived in. One in particular haunts me, and I’ve been feeling a pull to return to that home. I even wrote my old neighbor, and said, ‘Let me know when our house goes up for sale.’

I caught another glimpse today.  It was of Descanso Gardens. It is a beautiful sanctuary of nature near our home now. I followed the glimpse and spent the day.

I did not particularly WANT anything from my day spent there. I just simply caught a glimpse of it in my mind, and followed. Before heading home, I sat on a bench near a stream. I opened up my journal, and began writing.

I wrote of our home, the one that’s been haunting me. The one we left in pursuit of something MORE. I wrote: ‘I don’t care about that big life I wanted, that life I left my house for.’ In that moment, I felt that pursuit of MORE as over.

I had a similar feeling the other day. I knew all the things I’ve wanted would come and when they did, they would not matter. What matters is what I’ve gained inside, and now return to because of that journey. What matters are the relationships I still have and how much more they matter now. But, what I left my old life for doesn’t seem to matter anymore. In this moment, the wanting is over. It’s a relief to feel this. To give up want leads us home.

We live in a culture where it is perfectly acceptable to WANT more. To get more. To do more. I’m not dismissing more. But, I am questioning WANT. In Psalm 23: I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

In Wizard of Oz– there’s no place like home, after an adventure. Home is where we come when we no longer want. Does it mean we no longer live? We give up desire? We don’t pursue dreams? We just lie down in green pastures and suck on a piece of grass all day? No. It does not.

It means we have more moments without the constant pull from WANT, and we hear more of our Soul. Our heart. We catch glimpses from inside, and we follow them. It is more of a nudge, and less of a grab and go, go, go. It feels softer, and even more real. Simply, we move from a deeper place.

As, I leave the gardens, I write: ‘WANT, I forgive you. I see what you have done. You took me from a home designed by the hopes of a new husband and wife, a new life. When I gave this up for “greener pastures” you had me, and you knew it. Look at what I gave up for you. And now I receive glimpses of where I was before, all the places I left, and I return to look. All the images in my mind are the same, and I have no more regret. This time, when I look you are no longer there taunting me. Pulling me. And without you all I see is home. All I feel is home. Home, and more home.’

To return now, I know this is all there would be. But, I’ve left that home. My children, one grown, the other growing. I don’t know where I will be, but I know home is the continual theme. I know home is the lesson. I know home will continue to expand and awaken within me, especially when WANT is not walking along the side of me.



Getting Into It

A bit of a rant: Attention Writers & Artists of all kinds

It seems to me articles and books for aspiring writers (books and articles I read since writing is my chosen art form) often aren’t speaking to that genius part in us- the literary great, which resides within. Instead they, who are usually writers who have already published, write to the part of us that worry we will never be published. The part that wants to be good enough to be published but might not be or if so, has to jump through a hundred hoops, that they now know about, to maybe squeeze in the very tight publishing door, the door somehow they were able to squeeze through- and I am sure it is because they knew somebody who knew somebody who was somebody (or so they say that’s how it really happens).

I just saw an ad for a writing program offered by a well-known person in the writing/self-help world. The program costs thousands of dollars.  Somewhere in this advertisement, had I not skimmed, it probably guarantees success. I’m sure it works too, but I’m not going to buy it. In fact I am not sure I am going to buy any program like that. I may not even read another book or article about getting published or how to build a platform.

Why? Because I’d rather be writing. My days of gathering information, and worrying over why I probably won’t be one of the “lucky” few who have success, are over. I’ve heard author, Elizabeth Gilbert speak a few times about her success from Eat Pray Love, and I’m always annoyed by her response to her success. She speaks of it like some kind of fluke. It’s disheartening. Not encouraging, but that’s her perception. Or at least how she presents it publicly. As an aspiring writer, I want “them” to speak to me that everything is possible and not that I have to just hope my book too will be a fluke. Speak to me as if I am that genius. Stop speaking to me as if you are now the expert who might know better than I…..but just like I never understand why parents are angered when the olympic swimmer smokes pot or any other athlete who does “wrong,” because their children see them as role models, these published writers don’t have to hold up to my ideals either.

There are so many layers to a wish come true; to a desire of the soul. Everything must align for that “perfect storm.” All necessary energies and desires present. Divine timing and readiness of the writer. It’s a lot more than what those books and articles tell you. It’s included. But there’s more. And if this desire is in the soul, and the soul desires to permit the desire, than the being within the soul shall certainly have it, and quite possibly more than ever imagined. Call me naive. Tell me I’ve no clue because I’ve no agent. I’ve no published book…..


There are many telling us what their secrets are and giving advice when we didn’t ask for it, and information was not meant to dictate to us how to live or publish or whatever, but simply add something new or maybe show us what we don’t add, and I dont care what well known expert is dictating it either. We have our own expert available to us, and we can become conscious of it. It is our SOUL.  It knows us and only us. It works for us and only us. We can go there even if we don’t know where there is.

Now I’m going to go get an agent. Why? Because in my soul I know it’s time to find someone other than myself who is  going to believe in my work and work for my work. And until I find that person or if I don’t, that person will continue to be me.

Today’s Soul Tip:

When we are truly into our art, we are into our art. We aren’t reading about what we should do with our art, or how to make our art, or about other people’s opinions about our art. This IS the best place to be- within our art, and where that art takes us, and where that art wants to go, we listen. We watch. We obey. In this way NOTHING is ever a fluke. 


The Soul Reporter

>True Believer I AM

>A Post from a year ago.

Now fast forward to Now…I am declaring myself a true believer. Or at the very least I am going to act like one. At this point what do I have to lose? And as Mr. Thoreau once said: “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.”
I want to put his words to the test……
And there is a word- want. I had a few interesting discoveries this past week. One had to do with wanting. First it started with Deepak Chopra telling me through my ipod that it is normal and natural to desire for more. This was good to hear because for awhile now I have been afraid to want for anything, even though my soul is craving so much.
Second, I am doing a 28 day Soul Coaching session through a book a friend borrowed me. She says this: the soul loves truth. I have always considered myself a truth teller and a good listener to my soul- however, I have not been listening to it’s desires. I have been stifling them.
Third, Rumi says to give into your desires- but there has been this voice which says: NO. It is not good to give in. As if I am in a monastery. I am slowly recovering from this illusion that giving into my desires is not good.
Fourth, while venting about not knowing what my purpose is, my very sensible daughter said- “Start by doing what you think you want to do. And do something you think you don’t know how to do. My complicated mind asks, is it really that simple?

Fifth, my “meeting” with Oprah keeps surfacing. The True Belief which resides in her core, is what causes those “unexpected” successes to rise and meet her in common hours. She just absolutely knows, and with this, the rest comes.
Sixth, I have been terribly tired the last couple of weeks, taking naps in the middle of the day, which is something I rarely do. I asked my Soul what was going on. The word which kept surfacing was harboring. Okay, so I am tired because I am harboring something. What is it, I ask? The answer: Some great talent. The truth of this made me cry.
I am thrilled for my daughter who knows what she wants to do, or at least is willing to give it her all with something she thinks she wants to do. And I know as she continues to believe in herself, the Universe will rise up to meet her. I suppose, in a way, since being a mother was the first dream I dreamed, it is fitting I give the gift of support to my daughter’s great talent. And I suppose it is also fitting, that for me, I will be a late bloomer in recognizing mine. I am not quite sure what my great talent is, but I think I might know and that’s a good start according to my wise child.
Just knowing there is something great sitting inside of me, which silently I have always known, makes me breathe a bit easier, and my steps more fluid. For now, I don’t have to know what it is, I only have to TRULY BELIEVE it is there, and as I stand in this belief, I will be led to the truth and expression of my purpose.
We all harbor some great talent. Some of us don’t seem to get to it. I watched the HBO special Grey Gardens about the Bouvier-Beale women. It was fascinating to me how they both had a great talent, yet through most of their lives they were imprisoned by the restrictions others put on them, and ultimately the ones they put on themselves. The mother, “Big Edie,” was hindered by her husband who didn’t like her to sing and dance, and he ended up leaving her as did the man she did sing and dance with. Her daughter, “Little Edie” wanted to be an actress, but allowed the neediness of her mother to suck her into a narrow and sheltered existence. Toward the end of their days they lived in complete filth in their East Hampton home. Yet, a documentary was made about them, where “Little Edie” did have a little bit of light to shine in before she passed.
Then there is Oprah, a woman who at the age of 17, was handed a microphone at a radio station which, changed her life. She found what she loved, and she has been doing it ever since. For some it seems to come easily. For others to find the great talent, and then to unleash it- rough and tough. And as I write this, I am aware in all of these examples I know I don’t have even half of the whole story. But what I do know is in order to express the fullness of who we are, we must believe in our Truth- whatever it is.
Because of the discoveries of the past couple of weeks, I understand why I have put the reigns on my dreams. I have been afraid to want because the last time I did, I got what I wanted, and then felt trapped by all the trimmings of the life I ordered. I didn’t want to do that again, and further, not be grateful for the gifts from the life I ordered.
It is clear because of the magnitude of my desires, I have stood on the parched landscape long enough. For a time, it was good to accept this landscape, and in moments, I even learned how to thrive in it. It was also good to take the time to heal and forgive what was. But the truth of my soul is this: it is time to quench the thirst of my desires. I want more, and quite frankly, I need more. Further, I believe my heart is in the right place, so any desire I have will not only be of the benefit of myself, but others.
This brings up a song I am captured by: Earth Song by Michael Jackson. Right now, for me it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. The heart, the passion, the beauty is all present, as if it comes from some angelic place. It inspires me to bring out the talent inside of me and let it be all that it is, and nothing less.
What are you burning, aching for? Are you listening to the truth of your soul- remembering the Soul loves truth. Are you allowing your desires to unfold? Are you tired, and heavy? Is there some truth you are leaving untold? Has it been awhile since your life has shifted?
A great talent is in YOU, and Now is the time to free your desires, so that what can be, will be.
The Soul Reporter