I Miss Everything.

Source: thehorrorzine.com via Allana on Pinterest

My cries are deep these days.

*They aren’t the same cries of my adolescence where I’d sit in bed listening to slow music, feeling sorry for myself. No, these cries do not spawn from that space of pity. They come from some place else.

I want more. I have more. I seek relief. I have relief. I ponder destiny. I realize destiny. Nothing makes sense any longer. What I had is no longer good enough. I’m lost. Then found. I cry these deep cries. When I take breaths, I remind myself of a baby who keeps gasping after a painful outburst.

Where is this place I have come? Does anyone know it? Who am I now after losing so much, and feeling as though I’ve gained so little? Where do I begin to let the river flow again? My heart is bleeding out. I miss everything. And, there is that cry again.*

*random words in the moment of one of those deep cries. Don’t even know if it makes sense, but there it is. Maybe someone can relate. Maybe not, but it’s out now. 

The Soul Reporter.

5 thoughts on “I Miss Everything.

  1. Beautifully said, Nikki. I completely relate. I imagine there are many who are experiencing similiar feelings. Bleeding out is about right. I feel that I have cried the millionth tear. I appreciate your ability to write about these things. My experiences seem to wash over me, but defy being written about.
    Blessings on your journey or
    see you on the other side.

  2. I know of this place. It comes and goes , a mysterious visitor, at any time of the day or night. Does our body simply need to release a build-up of toxins ? Tears are full of toxins you know. Do the tears flow before we actually have a sad memory or a joyful one ? Are we picking up on someone else’s pain and sadness ? We are connected. Everything is out there. So cry and be grateful that you can.

  3. I’ve come to call this place my ‘waiting womb,’ where I feel and be and listen, writhe and moan and ache, write, not write, eat, not eat, do nothing, do something. For me, it’s a place of power masquerading as powerlessness and confusion. When I wait it out, observing, surrendering, the nuggets of wisdom always come, though not always on my schedule.


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