The first class, I pretty much felt dumb. If you’ve been following this blog, you know my recent journey is to become at ease in my body. I tend to leave it often. Neglect it for soulful work or just mindless nothingness. Nia is helping me move through my uncomfortablity and into my bodily home. It hasn’t taken as long as I thought. Only after three classes, I am already more at ease. I stretch myself toward the front of the room. I mind my own movements instead of comparing myself to others. In some moments, I feel so alive and free, I want to scream, but I don’t because I am not that alive and free yet. And…
Every once and awhile I look in the mirror, something I’m not so comfortable with yet. I don’t like the way I look. I just don’t. The way my arms flab when I hold them up. The tummy that protrudes. The thighs that are so thick they look glued together, and the awkward way the rest of my leg moves out like a V. And if that weren’t enough, I usually don’t wear make up to Nia, and so I see my pudgy, pale face staring back at me and I decide, I think I’ll look away and stare at the teacher. She is fit. Trim and her body moves as though she’s never denied it.
Sometimes we do hip movements. These movements always challenge me. I’m so stiff in my hips. I know I have the suckers. I see them, but shit, they won’t frickin’ move. I watch the teacher, and her hips have a mind of their own. Mine have been controlled. Seized up. I tell myself the teacher’s hips move because she hasn’t had children. Of course, I don’t know that for sure, but let’s pretend so I can feel better. But really, shouldn’t the fact I did give birth- twice- give me a nice hip thrust from time to time?
After Nia yesterday, I took a hot bath and I pondered this hip issue. Without getting too personal, my legs were closed together, as usual. And then, I opened them, allowing my knees to touch the sides of the tub. This was comfortable. The tension released. Isn’t it interesting I thought, how women tend to keep their legs closed. To protect our sacred center between them. Protect it from men. From life. From whatever. What is this doing to our hips? To our lives? Then, I thought of women who are a bit more loose than myself. Like prostitutes perhaps. In my mind, they always have their legs open. Maybe they need to close them. My takeaway: some of us women need to open our legs, therefore our hips, and others may need to shut it down.
The last time I really opened my legs was to give birth. Now, isn’t’ that interesting. Ain’t no baby coming out unless those legs are spread and the hips are open. Unless of course you get a C-section. The other time I opened my legs I met my husband. No, not what you’re thinking. This leg opening moment was innocent. We met at a roller skating rink when we were 15. There was a concert and I was holding a seat for my friends. One leg was propped up on a folding chair, and the other was on the floor. I was wearing a green skirt. I looked up, felt someone looking at me, and there was Chucky- checking out the goods. I closed my legs and after the concert he asked for my number.
So does having my legs open, metaphorically speaking in most ways, mean I am saying yes to life? That I am allowing myself to give birth? If so, I think its time to open wide again. I’ve been holding the goods for far too long. Yes, I am aware of all the sexual connotations here, but really what I am talking about is life. The creative life force within us. My legs have been closed many, many years because I’ve been incubating all sorts of inner life. And for the next many, many years I plan on keeping the legs open. Its my time to birth the fruits in the womb, and as I do, I have the feeling in Nia class, and beyond, my hips are going to awaken and do what hips do- shake and move that life right out.
Today’s Soul Tip:
Take nothing for granted. Every experience is here to move us toward greater understanding. If you find yourself wondering about something, take it deeper. Ask the questions. You’ll get answers. And related to this post specifically- if you feel you’ve been open- giving- it might be time to incubate. Close down a bit, shut those legs, yes, you too men and get dark and small. If you’ve not given enough, allowed enough, been dark and small, it’s time for you to open WIDE- and GIVE. I trust you know which way to move.
Oh, and I want to share this with you too. I had this insight while not liking my body when I looked in the mirror: staring at my body in the mirror, I want to be upset by how it looks and moves, but how can I? She simply shows the result of my neglect. My shame. My abandonment of her. My unconscious daily habits that do not support her essence. I am not a victim of her. Nor is she a victim of me. She simply responds to my thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
*A side note totally unrelated to this post: I know I have readers. And I ask, if you like what you receive here, if it makes you think, wonder or have any kind of reaction, please share this blog with others. If you do already, thank you. I appreciate you. And I’d love to hear from you from time to time. Post a comment. Let’s connect. You have to ask, to receive.
The Soul Reporter
>I love everything you write. By the way, it's "seized up"… Lol.I did a little writing today myself.I posted "One Bad Apple" in my notes.Have a great day, Nikki, and don't worry excessively about your body. You're beautiful, always…and the truth is, you're not a body…you're just riding around in one for awhile. ;DKris
>Oh, my gosh, thank you for pointing out my typo. I looked that word up- but couldn't think of the right spelling so it was hard to find. Thank you for responding to my request for comments and what you've said. You've been a lot of fun to talk to. I am making peace with my body- knowing that no- it isn't me- an expression of my thoughts and ideas, and as those become more loving, my body will respond in kind. Thanks again. Enjoy your weekend. Nikki
>Really interesting, I relate to these words as would many women!I have had a 'hip issue' for a long time until the other evening my partner was rubbing my sore bit and I drifted off without falling asleep, I found myself in another time eating a potato….sitting comfortably at the end of a table in a kings castle cutting into my potato. I was absolutely there! I floated out of the body of this young girl and surveyed the scene, roudy men, alcohol , food ande undisturbed. Seconds later an attack on the castle I am ushered away to hide be safe whilst mayhem breaks out killing all… I escaped… Alone now…. I came back to present.I havnt had hip issue since.(always hurt at ovulation and period time)I can only surmise that my pain was connected to my womanhood/resentment and fear I held possibly from that very moment in time or something of similar energy!Wow hips