Okay, so I hardly ever write a daily post, but I absolutely need to write this one because the Guru in my life has got to go. Who is my Guru? Me, of course. Another aspect of me that is. She does most of my talking and thinking. Basically the bitch runs the show(I know, I should be more compassionate, but that will come later). That was her by the way, who just said I should be more compassionate. She censors everything.
She is so ‘holier than art thou.’ She thinks she knows everything. She’s a combination of ***Marianne Williamson and a drill sergeant. She reprimands me when I’m choosing to imagine I’m in Maui instead of where I am- what’s wrong with where you are now. Be in the moment. There’s nothing better than this moment right now. She questions my motives when I want money or recognition- now you know that isn’t very spiritual of you. You should not want of those things. It isn’t holy or virtuous. She wants me to accept reality and not want anything else beyond it, when I know I can do both. She demands I write only out of joy and love, when I just want to be honest. She doubts me when I am. Basically she’s an all around self-righteous bitch who doesn’t know me at all.
Now, I am not saying her “advice” isn’t worthy and shouldn’t be listened to. Perhaps it is her delivery. Her attitude. Her motives. I mean, what are they? To kick my ass into high gear and make me some personified saint? To make me perfect? Oh, that’s it. She is just the spiritual version of the Perfectionist I thought I dumped at the doorstep of my cul-de-sac life. Well, isn’t she just clever. She knew how to get me listening and paying attention- spit out a bunch of spiritual catch phrases until I burn and seethe with guilt. Well, Sergeant Williamson it’s working. But, it’s time to go. But, first….it’s time for some Soul Investigation. If you want to read me process, stick around. If not, go be in the moment and contemplate your navel. It is a better way of reaching sainthood. Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t me talking- that was her. Truly, I hope you stick around- I am even curious how I am going to process this one through.
So, why have I invited Sergeant Williamson into my life? And why am I allowing her influence? Process….process…process… I know the answers are there. Come on, oh, Soul that Knows, come out, come out wherever you are….
I must not want to let her go, which only makes her more intriguing. Umm, okay here is something- I’ve invited her here to protect me. To cause strife. To distract. She is also here to clear the soul. Clear the space for some true grace to come through. She is special and significant for these reasons, but she is not my true voice. She is useful, but not anymore. She is not my Soul that Knows. She satisfies my need or my illusion to be right. She makes me feel I should be ‘holier than art thou’ and than makes me feel bad because I fail, which then makes me right- you see, I really am a failure.
People close to me, my husband especially, often say, “You are so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break.” I hear it, but I don’t get it. I mean, I am so thick in the pattern of being hard on myself I honestly don’t know how to cut myself loose from it. Yesterday, however was a turning point. The knocking of those rocks enforced that I have climbed. I have pushed. I have brought myself here and it is GOOD. I am strong. I am worthy. I am enough. I know, you’ve probably heard this from me before- (oh, there she goes again). But something is different. I can differentiate between her voice and my authentic voice. And, more importantly….
As I move forward, I vow to listen to the Voice Inside- the Voice that told me to go up the escalator at Sears so I wouldn’t have to wait in the long line; the Voice that urged me to pick up two rocks and smash them together, even though it felt strange, in order to concrete a defining moment; the Voice that said to sit on the front stoop in the sun while the Sergeant tells me to write and be a spiritual teacher (however not as good of a teacher as Sergeant Williamson). And as a side story, do you know what happened when I sat on the stoop that day? Two guys from MTV pulled up and said they were going to pay us an inconvenience fee for using some of our property while they filmed a new TV show. Now that was easy.
I used to have a tee-shirt that said, take the gentle path. The true Voice Inside knows the gentle path, and she wants me to take it. She is always pointing me that way. But I’ve been listeing to the wrong voice(s). She snarred me. But I allowed her to because I created her. The point of taking full responsibility to these villains we create in our lives is not so we can feel bad or flawed or crazy, but so we can understand why we created them and if we are ready to kiss them good-bye. A farewell is needed if we want to continue to be a conscious participant in our evolution, allowing our old way to die and a truer one emerge.
I won’t be kicking Sergeant Williamson to the curb. I don’t have to. Sergeant Williamson will soon know her place once I tune her out and tune in to the only true friend I have, the Voice Inside and that Voice is mine and I continue to emerge, deepen and awaken within her/me.
Today’s Soul Tip:
Change happens when we see the old way and the new way and we begin moving toward the new. Until then we are confused. We don’t know if we are coming or going. We are literally stuck in two worlds. But this is evolution. This is change. And it is happening. We can be a part of it, by observing and facilitating and surrendering, or we can hold on tight, feeling victim to our villains. But, those villains are mighty loud and there is a truer voice worth responding to. Watch for her wink and respond to her when she asks, who loves you babe. She does. She really, really does. Trust her.
***A Disclaimer- Since receiving controversy from this post, I hope readers understand this post is not about Marianne Williamson. It is about me. The part of me who reprimands me in a drill sergeant way about spiritual teachings- hence we have Sergeant Williamson. Does this make sense to you?
The Soul Reporter