The man they set me up with seemed to me unstable, and I told the people hiring me that I did not think he was capable of working with me; a fact they did not seem to recognize until I told them.  When they did realize this, they sent him off.  I knew he was going to get ‘fixed’ and would come back a more stable man.  

Almost immediately after waking up from this dream, I knew what it meant.  The unstable man is my masculine self.  For, I don’t know how long- perhaps when I got married, or maybe even before, I gave up my masculine self believing my ‘real’ man could do better.  In the meantime, my feminine self has been really off balance- crazy-emotional, ultra-sensitive and way out of focus.  However, to give her tons of credit she is the bravest woman I know.  She helped me to delve into the darker places of my soul where I learned aspects of myself I could have not known without her full presence in my life.  

Now after being fully in the feminine (at least the off-balance feminine), I  find myself in a new frontier.  I no longer want to rely on my ‘real’ man to save me or balance me from my crazy-emotional, ultra-sensitive and way out of focus self.  Instead I want to rely on my masculine self.  However he is being institutionalized at the moment, as we remember from my dream.

I absolutely knew when he was sent away in my dream, and then upon awakening, that I do not have to micromanage his rehabilitation. I do not even have to be updated on his progress. I just have to trust he will return when he is well, and also when I am ready to receive him.

We all know the symbol of the yin and the yang. It is forever etched in my mind, when as a young girl it was an image I stared at for hours while I sat near my dad’s floor heater to get warm. He had painted it on his closet door.  

There are some prideful men I am sure that would say they do not have a feminine side, but they do, however repressed it may be.  There also may be women who refuse to know they have a masculine side.  I believe we get into relationship to realize this, and to integrate so we are whole and balanced like the symbol. Why else would we have such a strong urge for relationship, considering how difficult they are.  We need each other for balance and wholeness, that is until we don’t- when we develop both aspects within ourself.

This balancing act is reminding me of the hormone show I saw on Oprah.  Women suffering from hormone imbalances can get tests done to see what their estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels are. If any of these numbers are off they can choose to take replacement hormones to bring them back into balance.  Relationships serve to get our masculine and feminine aspects into balance.  

The opportunity my relationship has given me is to dig so deep within myself where I now understand it is time to integrate back in my masculine side that I a) never really had or b) let go of to leave up to my father, husband and other men in my life.  

Today, through writing, I invited my masculine side to return.  I told him, if he is ready, I am ready to receive him.  And why do I want to receive him? Because I want focus.  

I know the only thing stopping me from achieving my dreams right now is a lack of focus. Men are great at this.  So much so, they can easily get lost in their own one-pointed thinking, and if it is a thought of self-service, this can be dangerous.  

Sometimes, I notice my husband doing this, even with the most mundane of tasks like making his family breakfast.  He is so focused on the task, and getting it done, and being efficient at it, I get the sense he forgets about the process of it- the breaking of the eggs, the whipping of the waffle mix, the flipping of the bacon, and the serving to his family.  There have been times when I see him whipping around the kitchen or through the house where I stand right in front of him, having him look at me as if to say- hey, stop, and smell the roses.  

The masculine side can miss the beauty. The masculine side can become very selfish in its lofty or even mundane pursuits. However when you bring in the expansivness of the feminine the masculine can breathe and appreciate.  

Women are wonderful at attention to detail and beauty.  But just like with the men, women can get lost in their emotional worlds.  They can lose focus, become easily depressed as they are unable to grasp a rational or logical thought which could pull them up from the abyss.  I often call my dad when I am in an emotional cauldron.  He listens, and gives me perspective. 

But back to focus-  I am ready for it.  A co-worker said to me Thursday that I seemed different.  At first he called it isolation, but then he said I was focused.  I was surprised, but I thought- hmmm…maybe he’s right.  Maybe the ‘different’ energy is me going internal and harnessing all of these energies within me and focusing long enough to create a masterpiece that has been within me waiting to get out.  

I know it’s possible- and I need the ‘man’ from my dream to be healthy and strong, and return to me.

I recall when we moved into the house we are in now.  We downsized, yet still had all of our things. In 10 days I unpacked every box and found a place for every single item.  I told my dad this and he asked if I was mad the whole time because no one helped. I said no, I wasn’t which was one of the reasons it got done. The emotional dramas and expectations were not there. Instead I focused and in a short amount of time the house was completely put together.

Those of us who are hearing the call to at last hunker down and focus on our higher aspirations, are fortunate to have a role model. His name is Barack Obama.  I could not help but notice how he came out Inauguration Day like Rocky Balboa ready to fight, but in this case, work.  And not only this, he merged this pure focus of commitment and strength with the feminine aspects of beauty and grace. The result- a humbled, balanced and awe-inspiring man.  

In the past I have been afraid to focus because I feared I would get lost in something I could not control or get out of.  I have been afraid to truly live. To see, and feel the power, the light, the inspiration and the focus which is within me.  But… 

This is the year.  Bring out what is within you.  Trust it. Harness it.  Focus it. Create it.  Offer it. And be humble in your pursuit.

Namaste, 

Nikki