It seemed quite sad, but for me the last time I remember making a clear and conscious choice was when I was 19 (I am 36) and decided to have my baby.  Sure I went to the abortion clinic for decision counseling and made sure my health would hold up since I was having abnormal paps and needed surgery, but when that obligatory dust settled I knew without a doubt I was having the baby.  And not only did I know this, I didn’t care who supported me or know how I would take care of her.  I just knew I was having her no matter what. And guess what?  The people in my life; father and mother especially, rallied and stood with me.  Even the economic situation turned out to be greater than what I could imagine.

Perhaps there have been more conscious and clear moments of knowing but this was definately a huge defining moment, and I believe I am writing this now because I am about to have another one.  If we pay attention to our lives we will begin to intuitively know what’s coming and consciously prepare for it.

I am not this aware now. I just know this moment is upon me, but I truly don’t know how it will reveal itself. But I get the feeling I’ve been preparing for a long time.

These moments of clarity and of complete knowing are more rare than we think.  We would like to think most of our choices are made in a conscious way. Most are not, and here is why. We are rich and dynamic beings and the spiritual intricacies, which make us up, are vast, and therefore, hugely unconscious.

I know. I know. We want to be so smart and think we have ourselves and our choices totally under control.  Even the richest and wisest have hardly touched upon their spiritual intricacies.

Let’s suspend our current knowing, and wonder what else may be going on within us.  Sure we see the stars but do we really know what makes them shine or what makes them fall from the sky?

We may not, but we can- in time.  But we don’t do it by just reading a book on stars or even by being an astronomer.  It’s a process, and we begin it by being curious and paying attention and having a desire to know and by trusting the wisdom is there. We begin to know ourselves in the same way.

Imagine that you, and all that makes up you- is the same as the stars. You are so vast and luminous, and yes even dark, it might freak you out if you knew how much. 

But no worries.  The mantra I use, which came from the Voice Inside: there is nothing inside of you to be afraid of. 

Nothing.

So how can we even function with all of this inner complexity, let alone make clear choices? Well, we only have the potential to receive what we are prepared for, so this means we don’t have to know it all yet or all at once, and we don’t have to force clarity if its not there.  But we do need to pay attention to what is happening in our lives now. That is if we want to truly master ourselves and create our world with conscious choices, and some point receive clarity.

Until then we are kind of wobbly in the world.  Think about marriage.  If you have answered yes to: will you marry me, you know in time what might have seemed like the right thing to do begins to feel like the wrong thing.  This doesn’t make it wrong. It makes us unconscious, which is why we married who we did- so they could take us to those dark and light places we didn’t even know existed when we ‘naively’ said yes.  If we knew it all we wouldn’t be here, at least not in this way.

For me personally, this perspective is supportive as I often unconsciously go about my life. It means I don’t have to beat myself up for any choice I’ve made, or feel trapped by or regretful of them. Although I at times I do anyway.

We are multi-layered so let’s suspend our rightness and shame, and know we are vast. Timeless.  Limitless. And have the potential for many outcomes and ‘inconsistencies.’  And why? Because they are all awaiting inside of us. Not so we can have hard lives, although striving for enlightenment is hard, but so we can have truthful and honest lives where we come from a place of integrity no matter what space we are in. Even when that space does not seem clear. You still have to make your move.

For instance, I married for all sorts of reasons.  Here are the ones I know about:  Love, security, a dream of family, and all the unconscious patters and beliefs I wanted to excavate through this marriage experience.  I wasn’t full of clarity when I said yes, but I moved forward anyway.  We must if we are to evolve and grow.  

Let’s not wait for clarity before we move.  Let’s not wait for the thunder bolt or the lightening strike before we choose.  Let’s just trust, even in the fogginess of our minds, believing we are doing the best we can, and move forward into a destiny which has yet to make itself known to us. Our destiny is in each tiny step anyway. 

At some point in our spiritual evolution, and at special moments in our lives even now, clarity will come and support us.  But for now we must move as best we can.  The flashlight available to us while we move in this way is a sense of curiosity and wonder, which helps us pay attention to our lives, and gain awareness.  Eventually our awareness grows and that small light expands into a greater light, and someday light will be everywhere, but not just yet.  

Namaste, 

Nikki